I’ve always been a very independent person and someone who constantly struggled. I believe in second chances and heartache. There has always been and always will be struggles that anyone and everyone goes through in their lives. Mine can not be any worse than anyone else’s. My pain has just molded and shaped me into who I am today.
Imagine growing up in today’s society and not having your dad. It has never been fun. I’ve never really had my dad in my life. He’s there but at the same time he’s not. He’s always called me tank. Being a girl –apprehensive about her weight- it hurts. He started calling me that when I started increasing in weight in the third grade and addresses me as tank to this day.
I still try to keep in contact with my dad, whom my mother tumultuously severed from, lives in Mason, OH. Everyone tells me that he’s not worth it. Not worth my love. Not deserving or worthy enough. A terrible father. I try and take everyone’s point of view into consideration when it comes to my father. I can’t satisfy everyone though. I push myself to be around him because I want that connection with my dad like every teenage girl wants and needs. Not having my dad in my life hurts, however, I know that it may be for the best when I don’t see him.
When I was five years old, my dad deserted my mom and I with nothing for the first time and with the slam of the front door, he left my life. He became unfaithful with a woman he worked with. It absolutely destroyed my mother, seeing her sobbing and the tears free-flowing down her face. Not being able to do anything: killed me inside, left me in agonizing pain as if her tears were my own escaping my closed eyes. I remember walking into my parents bedroom and asking my mom, “Why’s he so mean? Why doesn’t he just leave?” She tells me that after I said that to her, I gave her the courage to understand that she didn't need him and she was a strong, powerful, capable woman. she kicked him out. He has always treated her and I like we are meaningless. He is emotionally abusive a good amount of the time.
He has called my mom and I any name you can think of, every name came with searing pain and I unhappily put up with it because I believe that is what Jesus would do. God has kept me strong through all of this. I know that he is in control and I have to live by his plan, not my own. My mom likes to tell me that I want to be the one to change my dad because I’m the one who needs him the most. When I was fourteen, I got really depressed. I’m not a very open person and I kept everything to myself. A major flaw that ended up hurting me more than helping. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, put on the medication, Zoloft, Sertraline (trade names Zoloft and others) is an antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class. It was introduced to the market by Pfizer in 1991, that didn’t help and I started self-harming. I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted someone to help so I showed my mom –who put me in the Mercy hospital at 3 a.m. where they held me for the rest of the night to see if I was a safety hazard- and she took me to see a therapist after i got released and the doctors knew I was okay. I started telling him everything I felt and what I’d been through. From restless nights with little to no sleep to screaming nightmares and waking up in horror looking for my mom. From missing my dad and wishing he didn't treat my mom and I that way. From wanting to run to kicking him after having enough.
However, second chances have shown me that there are people who aren’t going to hurt you and there are people who can and will without a second thought. I know in my heart that God planned for my life to go the way it has for a reason-one we may not know. I trust in what he has planned for me now and in the future. Therefore, I will continue to give second chances until I die because I believe it is the right thing to do.
Sometimes, I think about how I grew up in a family that constantly fought. Fighting families can not define who you are. You make your own decisions, for better or worse. I am no longer depressed and haven’t been since December of 2015. If you ever feel like you can’t do it anymore don’t give up because second chances and heartache are just a part of life. Something that is rough for now but will gently fade away later.