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I’m Not Depressed

By , Old town, ME

I stared out the window, as each part became flooded with a drop of rain. Slowly making its way down to were it should be. Down on the ground, in a puddle, with the rest.

The house was silent except for the casual “Meow” of my cat or the soft pidder padder of my dog. A single tear had snuck out of my eye and down my face without  me even knowing it. It fell down to the floor. But unlike the rain there was no ground it was an endless path led to nowhere. There was no puddle just trails of the lost. And there was no rest there was just me.


I looked up and wiped the tear i thought of my differences, the things i would like to change, and the things i need to change. I wrote down everything i needed to fix about myself. I heard a knock at the door and quickly stuffed my note book in between my beds. I fixed my face and painted on a bright smile.

As my mom left for work she kissed me goodbye and my stepdad gave me a side hug as they both disappeared into the world of hurt, i turned around and ran to my safe place. I took out my notebook and read everything that was on the piece of paper. Suddenly my phone had buzzed numerous times. I pick up the cracked mess and read the messages they read of something terrible. Something i can't even bring myself to say. Something that names all my imperfections. I slowly climbed off my bed and back the the chair near the window. But everything was perfect. The sun was out you could see the birds and a lot of little kids playing. “How can everyone be so happy, how do you see the light when the light only leads to hurt in the end” I thought to myself.  Tear after tear started down my face. I yelled I screamed and most of all, I cried. I slowly dragged my way to the shower and hoped prayed that the water would wash everything thing and anything that blocks me from seeing the sun.

 

I had been awaken by the same dream that I have almost every night . It was me, a few loved ones, and the sun, I had been running and running not being able to stop pulling my loved ones from the heat of the sun. or as I call it. The hurt. But I was not strong enough they fell behind they were burned. They were killed all because I was not strong enough I was not fast enough. I couldn't help them escape the hurt. How can I help them find a way out when I can't even find one for myself.
          `


Again I kissed my mum goodbye and gave my step dad a hug.  Again I was alone, there were text messages, there were messages meant for me not to read. I started to cry again. I wasn't strong enough to pull my family. I was not fast enough to help them escape I was not white enough to fit in I was not aware enough to help my family find a way out I was not pretty enough to go out into the world of pain without makeup. I was not smart enough to make my mom happy and proud of me I was not nice enough to tell my step dad that I do love him. An I definitely was not  healed enough to make my mom or dad stay. I was fed up I was tired of not being good enough I wanted it all the end. I walked in to bath room got a balade an brang it to my wrist the cold metal had touched my skin. I cried and threw it across the room. I was smart enough not to scar my skin.

 

I noticed that I had been focusing so hard on the bad things that I never noticed the good things in life. I stared at my reflection, and just looked for anything that told me I was good enough for the life I was living, I was good enough for the friends that I had. I may not be pretty, I may not be smart. The world is a machine. Each machine has a part. Again I may not be pretty I may not be smart but I do have a part in the world. They say that pain ends, and I guess you can't have a rainbow without a little rain.


I am not depressed, I'm just a girl writing and saying what me and many people actually believe. I am just a 12-year-old girl that has many differences, good and bad. I am different but I am proud.






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