I'm Sorry

May 3, 2017

I tried my best to hold in my anger. “Best friends” sure. “Ride or Die” sure. More like “second choice”, and “Oh you can’t hang out? Let me ask my other best friend, no not the one I stole from you, the one I replaced you with.” I was at the mall shopping with Vinna and Valeria. You called me three times, but I never answered. I didn’t want to go, and you knew this... Let me fill in some blanks.

For the past three years (all of middle school) I’ve been bestfriends with Ella and it’s only recently that we’ve started having issues in our friendship. Which is crazy because we’ve always predicted the only reason we would ever have problems is if one of us move and that was unlikely for the both of us. But recently our friendship has been bipolar. Back to the story…

Val’s birthday dinner was coming up and she wanted to get something cute so we went to the mall to pick something out. Meanwhile, Deborah’s surprise party (which was mine and Brittney’s idea) was about to start and in all honesty I didn’t really care if I made it or not. But things started the night before that when Ella and I were on the phone, you thought I was going home with you the following day but never spoke to me about it until that night and got mad when I said I was going home with Vinna and Valeria then sleeping over at Vinna’s afterwards. We were both clearly annoyed, but you told me not to have an attitude because you were mad that I wasn’t gonna clear my schedule for you or your new best friend’s party… Let me fill in another blank…

I don’t really like Deborah all that much because she acts supercilious and she thinks the whole “Level 0” thing doesn’t apply to her, she’s the one to always continue talking and gets offended when somebody asks her to be quiet and tries to come up with a good comeback but ends up sounding silly. She’s also someone who I feel like I can’t be myself around. She’s the type to play it safe, and I’m the type who loves to feel my adrenaline rush. I love doing scary/fun things because I wanna live my life to its fullest potential. Again, back to the story…
You asked if I was coming so I told you I was still at the mall, by this time it was 6:35 and her party started around 6, (clearly I’m not coming).

“So are you coming?” you ask. I reply with a simple nope, frustrated because I thought you would have known the answer when I said I’m still at the mall. “Glad to know where your priorities stand” you tell me. Where my priorities stand? Since you know, go ahead and tell me, where exactly do my “priorities stand”? It’s not even your party so why are you getting so mad? We start arguing and you say I’m in the wrong. How exactly am I in the wrong for hanging out with people I enjoy talking to? We argue some more but of course, you’re always trying to end an argument that you started. You text me in the morning saying you’re sorry and that you love me, you add that you just wanted to hangout.

I feel like nowadays all we ever do is argue and then makeup. Everyone asks about me and you, my family, my friends. “Why don’t y’all sit together at lunch anymore”, “I always see y’all walking past each other in the halls like y’all don’t know each other”, “Why don’t y’all hang out all the time anymore?” She moved lunch tables to follow her new best friend, she hangs out with her all the time after school, all she wants to talk about is the guy she likes (I know you know who I’m talking about.) But I guess I just hold a grudge about everything- which is on me.

I decided to tell her. I guess something decent came out of me turning this paper in late. Since I was fed up, I told her exactly how I felt. I was tired of everything. Nahor. Her being “in love” with him. Deborah. Her new “not-best friend”. Cameron. MY best friend whom she stole from me. I was tired of it all. So I told her, and she replied back with two long texts, almost as long as the one I had sent her, but not quite as long. She said she would choose me over any of them. But I said I’m not sure I want to keep her in my life. She said she couldn’t lose me. She told me she was sorry about the Nahor thing and said she told him they can’t talk anymore because she wanted to focus on her relationship with her “best friend” - wonder how long that’s gonna last. I told her she was a year too late. She always asked for advice but never took it. She did stupid things for him, things I thought we both looked down upon. She’s completely changed but I guess so have I.

It's crazy how it wasn't high school that broke us apart. It’s crazy how it all started with one boy whom she thought she was in love with. And Ella I’m sorry you’re stupid enough to try and be with him when he doesn't like you. I’m sorry that he doesn't care and I’m sorry that you don't see it. I’m sorry all this time he’s played you and you still can't wrap your head around it. I’m sorry that he goes between you and another girl and you still think you have a chance. I’m sorry he uses you as a booty call. I’m sorry you write all your essays in english about him. I’m sorry he doesn't care about you. I’m sorry you try to impress him. I’m sorry that I’m not even sure if I want to be friends anymore. I’m sorry I can’t be here for you or listen to all the times you obsess over him. I’m sorry we’re not the same. And I’m sorry I told you we can’t talk for now. I feel like I’ve lost everyone, but you Ella, you just feel more “motivated” right?

The author's comments:

My 8th grade english teacher told us to write an essay based off of what we had read in teen ink books, she encouraged me to submit this. Thank you Ms.Withers for everything you've done for me, and for always seeing the good in everyone, I'll never forget you ?? Also a huge shout out to a very close friend Danna , she helped me submit this (: Another shout out to Vinna because her and Danna were with me through this whole process ??

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