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What Have You Lost

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What have you lost? When did you lose it? Those are the questions we should ask. Not have or did, but what and when. We’ve all lost something. It’s the price we pay for loving at all. What we give in return for connecting with our fellow man. We all have a tragedy to share. Now let me tell mine

Du dun. Du dun. Du dun. My mind in tune with the rhythmic bumps. Losing itself in the thoughtless beat. For a few mindless moments I forgot, but the truth always came back. The inevitable clawed to my attention, reminding me what each endless beat truly meant.

The gravel crunched beneath our car. Trees blasted past with painful beauty. It all lulled me under. Not to sleep, but space. I fell deeper with every mile. My mind leaving this reality. Desperately reaching for a world without pain.

Du dun. Du du… it stopped. My consciousness returned with agonizing speed, forced into this plane once more. We had arrived. I clambered out of the car, as cumbersome as my crumbling body could bear, my head burning from agony.

That day was so beautiful. Vibrant greens with a high sky sun, torturing me with a glimpse of a better world. As if reality wanted me to pay in full for it’s gift of life. I lumbered towards my despair, eyes pointed directly at the perfect grass.

My family sat under a pure black canopy, the only color where I found peace. Peace that never lasts, for my eyes drooped to see the coal colored casket. The quiet gone, replaced with darkness and anger.

The pastor stood and began the speech that clamped down on my dread.

“We are gathered here today to celebrate George Lawless for what he has given us,” he started “not mourn for what his passing has taken.”

I needed to phaze away, to become a ghost in the wind, though this world would never allow that. I didn’t want to celebrate. Mourning was all I could do. All I wanted to do. The pain was there at my forefront, making joy and love impossible. Turning the outside world irrelevant.

I felt everything build up. Tension pounding behind my eyes as the man of god went on. Turning unbearable as he asked the obligatory question.

“Does anyone want to say a few words about George?” Many brave souls stood to share their memories, regrets, and sentiments. Each one unique and powerful, turning the pressure from dreadful to insufferable. Then, out of either stupidity or a desire to end the agony, I raised my hand to share one horrid sentence.

“He was the greatest man I’ve ever known.” I suffered out those words. Finally breaking the tension, releasing the floodgates. A torrent flowed down my face. It never seemed to stop. When all the water was gone. When the sadness turned to rage, I whimpering and screamed.

“Gaaaaah!” I let the world that caused all my pain feel my anger, my rage.

When we could leave I rushed to the car, no longer silent, no longer numb. All the emotions jabbing me at their full force. My family comforting me with sobs of their own. Denial no longer possible. I had to face the truth, my Papa was gone.

Du dun, du dun, du dun. The beats returned with a new purpose. No longer did they numb me, nor take me under. Now they reminded me of time that I waste in my life. Seconds going by, bringing me closer to my defeat at it’s hands. This is my greatest tragedy. My darkest day. Now let me ask you again. What have you lost?






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