Suicide Creates Dread

April 14, 2017

That burning moment where you want to forget everything but you know that, you cannot because you just know. You know that nothing will never be forgotten and it will always stick with you forever; even if it was for better or for worse. But it must have been for the worst because of the way he took his life, my dear little brother whom I’ve grown up to always love even when we would get into small fights where he would grab what’s nearest to him and try to hit me with it.

 

It is not the best option, I do not know why he could not have waited for his clock to run out, or try to get a disease that you cannot come back from. Now I believe my family but me suffer from the image of my little brother hanging in the garage. It was no mere accident, but of course, it was his doing, his way out of this world. We may not know why and we cannot ask any questions because we cannot ever get the answer, even because the dead can no longer speak and there is no way in making any kind of contact to the other side. 


However, I wish I could have known, I wish I could have saved my little brother from making this stupid mistake that affects everyone he was around. For the past two weeks, his friends, my friends, my family, just everyone he has touched was at my house for two weeks in grief over the loss of my brother. I knew he was loved by so many, just so many beautiful faces were there for him, but he must have looked at them with a closed mind because he never considered talking to anyone about his options and what he could have done to change his fate that he placed himself into.


I am going to miss my little brother; he was just an amazing person who could always change every situation and make it better for everyone. No matter what mood you were in, him just like me would always try to change the situation to make it better for even those involved. I knew there was something wrong, but it seemed like he just shrugged it off with his friends and when he would game, he would laugh and smile, and go back to gaming to where he just had fun with everyone who was online with him. He had his own living room, which was just smaller than the big one, but it was this big area for him to be loud and laugh with anything he was doing.


I keep putting it in my mind; did he suffer from what he did because he changed his mind half way through? Did he want to take it back and stand on his feet? What was his purpose? How could he do it, knowing it would place the family in so much pain?  I wanted to ask all these questions but I know they cannot possibly be answered by anyone. It just all still shocks, the image of him hanging, slowly swinging side to side as his limp body just dangles. It is just not a remarkable sight.


My brother was a student that attended an old school but a new building off road 100. He was always as bright as I was; we could always have real intellectual conversations and understand what one another is talking about. If I had some kind of problem with a game or even the network, he would figure it out and all because he’s downstairs. I would always be able to help with gaming and if he needed advice on anything that he struggled with. My side of the story is all-true with nothing left out. I wake up around 10:45 am, and I walk downstairs to my brother gaming like usual, of course, I am still tired so I just glance at what he is playing, and its Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege. I walk into the kitchen, grab a few snacks, and sit down on the couch before started up my Xbox; then I set up my chair once I am all done eating and begin solo gaming with a bunch of random kids on the same game. Maybe an hour or so has passed and my friend Marquis finally comes down to grab a snack and watch his anime before loading up the same game. My brother is just laughing and yelling in the other living room having a blast or possibly just getting slightly mad at his friends, like John and Danny. After a few hours he would either go upstairs to use the bathroom or be on his phone, then go to his room and be on his phone; I just let him be because he was his own person, independent and bright. It has possibly been an hour after and Marquis lets me know that he will be taking off to a party as he has always been going out and going elsewhere. Josue comes back downstairs to get on his Xbox and game some more, and I know this because I can hear him through my headset, and I mean he is yelling from the other living room. Marquis lets me know that he may be back later tonight, and usually it’s in the morning the next day; I just tell home to be safe and not do anything to stupid, but he likely will just to tell me some funny stories when he gets back home. He must have left before eight because the sun was still out and it was not too dark to be night. Not soon after I just went to the downstairs bathroom to take care of business and then I hear some loud knocking on the front door, and of course I cannot just stop what I am doing and get the door, but now the doorbell is ringing and the knocking becomes even louder. I am now getting mad because I am pretty close to the front door because of where the bathroom is located; but soon my brother answers the door as I finish and wash up to see who has been making so much noise. To my surprise, it was a pizza hut delivery girl, and I was so confused in who ordered pizza because I did not ask or order any. I did ask my brother but he did not say anything and walked up stairs; I signed the receipt and told her to drive safe as I brought the pizza into the kitchen and placed it on the counter. Two minutes after the delivery, my friend Aaron shows up like it’s his house and says something gay which is dumb but funny. I walk to the front door and tell my brother to get some pizza before it gets cold. As I offer some to my friend Aaron and my brother walks downstairs in his workout jacket because I know he’s going to be in the garage hitting the punching bag. I open the two boxes and show him that one is pepperoni and the other is Hawaiian with a side of a two liter of Pepsi. I had barley started watching Big Hero 6, so we all grabbed some slices of pizza and watched the movie as we all ate, then both Aaron and my little brother lay on the couches and watch the movie with me. We all watched the rest of the movie together, and soon Aaron had to leave back home, so I gave him a hug and I believe he said bye to my brother as he left out the door. I soon go back to the kitchen where I serve myself another glass and my brother goes into the garage to workout, or so I thought. I sit down, put on The Lego Movie, thinking that when he is done working out he will make his shake, and rest while watching it with me. It may have been 30 or so minutes but I hear the garage open and I know it my parents because Marquis would have knocked or came through the front door. As I am laying down just watching the movie, I just hear screams in terror, more badly than screams in horror movies; and all I could think is a prank, dad hurt his leg, maybe my dad’s bone is poking out. I quickly sat up and began to shake because I don’t know what’s going on, but I hear my sister screaming as she runs inside and grabs the house phone and my mother as she runs to the kitchen repeatedly saying no as she grabs a knife. Now I am super scared and shaking, as my sister is saying, “He’s dead, he’s hanging, he’s dead, call 911!” all while she’s crying and about hyperventilating, I grab my phone quickly and dial 911 as I try to calm my sister down, which is very hard to do while I still don’t know what is going on. The operator picks up the line in 20 seconds of me dialing, but my mom walks in and tells me that she already has the police on their way, I tell the operator my address anyway and she tells me that they have dispatched a few vehicles and they are on the way. I set my sister down on the couch and hand her a full box of tissues, and walk into the garage or screams, just to see the sight of my father kneeling over my little brother giving him CPR trying to get his heart started. I am now aware of the situation and I’m not panicking, I quickly do what my dad says in order to warm his body up to increase some blood flow quickly if his heart starts back up. Nevertheless, nothing is working, if you know the sound of the rubber chickens when they lose air, my little brother sounded close to that as the air was escaping his lungs and as my dad kept pushing more into his lungs. I turn around and see officers hurrying out of their vehicles to help my father with CPR, but I know it is not going to work and he is long gone. His pupils are extremely dilated, his lips are blue, and his body is extremely cold, it would take a miracle to bring him back from the other side. I go back inside to attend to my little sister and calm her down as I am trying not to cry and keep my calm, as I know I just want to explode. I grab my phone and message Aaron and Marquis because I need them to calm me down and keep me at ease; a few officers walk inside and begin to ask questions, even some that we do not have answers to. I hear back from both of my friends and they are on their way faster the Pasco Police were, as I am still kneeling before my sister wiping away her tears and keeping her calm as everything is about happening in slow motion. Before I could think right, I walk upstairs and into my little brother’s room and just drop to my knees where I cry my eyes out like I haven’t cried in five years, I make no noise but let tears drop down over my jeans and make them looked soaked. I wipe my tears and stand back up, to where I can stand strong for my family in this tragic crisis; I walk back downstairs to where I am met with a few more officers that are asking questions, but all I really want is my friends, family, my fiancé, and a walk out in the dark. Both of my friends arrive Aaron before Marquis and ask what is going on, I know how to answer that question but my answer is “He’s dead; my little brother is no longer with us.” My friends look like they to want to break down after hearing me say that, but they give me the comfort of them being there for me. We all do go on our walk, and I am just trying to be strong in front of both of them, but I can only think of a thousand emotions that my brain wants me to go though in a matter of seconds. Since it was just a walk to the park, we were all home as quickly as we left the house, but now my home is filling up with family and since they are all hearing the news, they all come in crying and balling trying to get me to begin crying again. My mother’s sister and my cousins come in not able to take in the news, and soon my father’s sisters come and cant bare the news, even sough my dad’s mom is in my home as well and she makes me cry because I know she watched my dad grow up and she watched my little brother grow up. I was the last person to see my brother before he was taken away on the stretcher, I wanted to be the last one because he was more special to me than my parents knew; the best person you could ever meet and just the best comedian in the whole house. I did cry as I looked at his pale body, I just could not believe that he was gone and now no longer with us.


I did not sleep for a full 24-hours, I was the last one to even go to bed because I made sure I was strong for everyone around me. I was the one to comfort those around the family, those who could not bear the news at all, I cared for those who seem like they were about to go into shock because of this tragedy. It is probably four or five in the morning families are still coming into our home to hear more of the news, and soon after my brother’s friends are now coming and even staying the night, missing school to be with the family and grieve along with us.


It has been almost three weeks since my brother’s death, and I am still grieving while thinking on everything and writing this while my hands are moving fast all while shaking, even when I am trying to just think on what I am writing correctly. This writing is something that is free, but it also places your mindset into my perspective and sets you in the same position that I was at every second. I am now in a position of what to do, and how to deal with everything knowing that it is all in my conscious. It have been back for five school days and I have not really worked even one day. I cannot look at myself and think of success, I keep thinking of how much of a failure I can be. The great things I want to do, I am putting them on hold for my brother; I know some may say I should not and achieve great heights for him, but that is something those who have not been in this situation can say, but not easily do. In a way, I am still trying to process everything. But I know one day it will all hit me and I will have that mental break down; I look at my brothers room and see the light on which has been on ever since he took his final breathe, but I just imagine him walking out of it every time and walking into the bathroom, to then walking downstairs.


To those who have been in my situation, no matter what age, I want to read your stories of the untold tales of your life. At first glance, I may not seem smart, but have one conversation and you will see something different, and so I want to know on how to get into a counseling job, or those who work the suicide hotline job. I have always helped those who have or are going through the problems, and thus I want to do so as an adult. My family is forever incomplete; it is now just my parents, my little sister and I taking care of one another in this tough time. If anyone knows how to get into those positions, even the second one, I would really appreciate it and be very thankful because that means I can still live on in a legacy that even my little brother will be proud of.






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