Dear Past Me,
Today I heard someone say, “wow what a simpler time” in reference to being a kid. In a sense that does apply to you, but not really. Your life might have been less complicated but it was in no way simple. As a child you were thrust into a world that no human, let alone child belonged in. You were thrust into a world of psychological games, of knowing your family was different just not knowing the extent, of being called fat, of not having any privacy, of holding in your tears, of cold hearted survival. You had to deal with abuse, you just didn’t know it. I’m sorry to say that the world you’re in, doesn’t change, but you do. It’s hard to say whether or not it’s for the worse, or for the better. You learn that you should only truly rely on yourself, but that’s not to say you don’t have friends. You learn to realize the difference between the truth and a manipulation. You learn to hide your emotions, and you never cry in public. You learn to not care about other people’s comments. I mean if your own mom thinks you’re Satan who cares what everyone else thinks. You become stronger and more resilient, and you leave behind the little girl you are now. It does come at a price however. You get defensive about everything, you rarely ever trust anyone, sometimes not even yourself, and you forget to feel certain emotions. Just today one of my closest friends insulted me behind my back, but instead of feeling anything, I just thought to myself “I knew it”. You don’t really have a choice in who you’ll become because it’s either you hold together the pieces your mom continuously shatters, and become a version of her in the process, or just let her destroy you completely. We both know which choice you make. I just want you to know that you’ll survive. You’ll survive the sleepless nights, you’ll survive the insults, you’ll survive all the yelling, you’ll survive the guilt, you’ll survive it all.
A person you’ll meet soon