The Maze Inside My Mind

March 3, 2017
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The fog hangs hazily around the eerie forest. The green and yellow ferns scattered throughout the area remind me of a jurassic theme. The path to the water is littered with mystery, revealing pieces of its puzzle to me, waiting to be solved. I have the pieces, but they don't fit together like they’re supposed to. They need alterations to be made into a whole. That’s the whole point of nature; the pieces aren’t supposed to fit together, they are in the correct places no matter where they are. I wish my mind could work this way, going with the flow of life.
As I follow the trail to my unknown destination, I see a red vine climbing the length of a large tree with a persistence. It shows no signs of giving up, and this tree is quite tall. I continue my winding journey towards my unknown spot. I notice signs of human life that was here previously by the pieces of wood that are scattered on and around a tree. It is the remnants of a treestand that is broken and dismembered. Its components ripped away by the unforgiving conditions of the seasons. I press on until I see what I have been looking for; a lake that harmlessly reflects the sun into my face, giving warmth to the uncovered skin.


The lake stands naked to the eyes of the viewer. It only hides itself to the observers that are too far away to retrieve its beauty. The lake is open.  My mind can’t comprehend how the lake can show itself so freely. My mind is more like a house, locking the doors to the ones it doesn’t want to let in and to the ones it can’t let in. It gets confused about the people who it should be letting in. One moment it has all doors locked, letting itself fester inside of itself. Ripping itself apart until there is nothing left, forcing it to rebuild so it can start the carnage once repaired. On the other hand, it will be full of optimism, have no worries, and be outgoing. I let people in at this time, which gives it safety from itself, denying the pessimistic process that it hangs in. My mind can’t decide on one thought to stick with. It is confused what to do with the information that it has received. It gets lost within itself, unable to find a way out.


As open as the lake is, it has a way of keeping itself secret from others. I had to go off the trail to get to the lake. The borders of it shrouded by tall grass and reeds that makes me work to get to see what it is the lake offers. I find that I am similar to these borders because I don’t trust a good amount of people because I know from the past that they can’t keep secrets. Sometimes I’m wrong, sometimes I’m not. I tend to try to not take the chances and assume that they are trustable if I don’t know them. I subconsciously and consciously analyze people to find if they are trustworthy enough to keep necessary things secret. There has been one time where my brain was quick on the trigger to trust this person, which maybe hurt me more, because she wasn’t going to be around for too long.


The lake can show various attitudes on different days. This can be seen during all the different seasons and the weather that comes with each. Many things change between each of the seasons, but I can see just as much change from day to day. The seasons mainly affect the temperature of the lake, and in winter, change the form of matter of the surface of the water from a liquid to a solid. The weather has the ability to welcome all who come near it with a hearty sun, calm water, and good fishing. It can also be dreary, windy, and fishing can be awful.
I am an emotional guy, and these next months were sure to test each of my moods. Jada was my newly found, last minute prom date thanks to a mutual friend. This was all that we were supposed to be, and we both knew that. We knew this because she was going to college in the fall, and that’s why she broke things off with her previous boyfriend and gave me a prom date. As I got to know her, I became saddened by the fact that I had no chance with her, or at least I thought. I remember one time at prom, another couple said we had looked good together, but she made it clear to them that we weren’t together, which was another punch to trying to be with her. There were many signs saying we would never be dating. After prom we had continued to talk as friends and hang out. I found out that she had liked me, which put me in a saddened state of mind. Knowing that I can’t be with someone who is beautiful and likes me back sucks. Having this knowledge left me with two options; ask her out now, or possibly never be with her. This was an obvious option for me, but I was afraid that I would scare her off with her knowing that I wanted to be with her. One night I brought it up, and was left with a hole in my heart.
I live on a lake, so I know how much they are appreciated. Summers flow with people, all with one goal in mind; the lake. People from all over migrate to the minnesota lakes to find release from their jobs and responsibilities at home. What is it about something as simple as a large amount of water to draw many people to it? The way I see it, it’s the versatility of what you can do on the lake. For all the different styles of people, there is something enjoyable for everyone to do on the lake. This can include fishing, swimming, boating, tubing, plus tons of other things. The lake is a focal point because of one reason; escape.


I was sad that she said no, mainly because I couldn't be with her because of her view of long distance relationships. On one hand I understood where she was coming from, but on the other hand I would’ve done anything to be with her. After a couple of days, I had cooled off and we continued talking as friends. One night, I was at her house watching movies when she started getting close to me. I was confused, because she had made it clear that she couldn’t put herself in a relationship at the moment, but she was moving close to me like she was trying to. I tried to be as careful as I could to not mess up at that moment. This felt like my opportunity to make something happen between us. That night, she left me with hope, and I left her with a kiss.


As I sit on a stump by the lake, I notice a couple of trees had been gnawed on by beavers. I have never actually seen a beaver chewing on a tree, but I have seen plenty of trees downed by them my whole life. It’s weird to think that such a small animal can take down a tree with just its teeth. People have invented ways to do the same, but it takes the force of a machine, or full body movements to bring down a column of wood. The beaver just uses what adaptations it has gotten to eat the tree away as simple as that. Even though humans face some barriers to the same goal, they still get the job done with a little thinking.


From that night on, each time we got together we had gotten to be more and more like a couple. I had a whole new look on myself because of her in a good way, and it caused me to some out of my social shell. To try to preserve our feelings, we had talked about what had been going on, and we would continue to be together, but not put a relationship title on. This did not help in the pain I felt when she left. We spent the summer together constantly. This was the greatest summer of my life, and also my worst. I was the happiest I could be, and the saddest I’ve ever been. I had found someone that I cared about me greatly and that cared equally as much about me. She was also about to for college. Knowing that the best thing that has happened to me is going to be leaving shortly was a blow to my emotions. I just had to take as much of it in as I could, and I did exactly that. I never took for granted what I had with her for a second.


This brings me back to the tourists. One day the lake is full of people, and the next it’s barren and appears to be lifeless. It’s peculiar how much of a change one day can bring. This can be because of a variety of reasons, but it still ends in the same result with all of them. The lake is lonely.






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