I finally let my words speak volumes after a long time of being on mute.
I was always an outgoing child; I said what was on my mind regardless of who was listening, always talking and full of energy. This changed over time. A series of events happened to me over the course of my sophomore year; they transformed something inside of me. I realized I became quieter. Trusting people didn’t even seem possible. Not wanting to talk because everything I said sounded dumb.
I use to think I was always bigger than my problems. No matter how hard and complicated they got I was always my own problem solver. I remained silent and kept everything bottled up, which only led to self destruction.
I couldn’t trust my parents because I felt that they had enough to stress about. I couldn’t trust my friends because I was always scared of the judgement. I was scared that they’d look at me or treat me differently. I didn’t want their pity; all I wanted was somebody to hear me out.
You start to question yourself about who you can truly trust once you’ve been hurt by someone you were so close to.
My mom would say “Hija talk to me, I see you’re not sleeping at night. Is everything okay?” Saying I was okay just to get them off my back. Saying I was okay so they wouldn’t see how weak I really was. I was emotionally drained but there was also this inner alarm saying that I wasn’t suppose to feel this way. This wasn’t me. Something had to change.
Change is good. I knew this battle had to end soon enough. I didn’t know who to go to or what to do.
Before I knew it I was sitting on a leather black couch staring at this lady with hair that reminded me of ramen noodles; just like the movies she had a notebook and pen in her hands. My breathing began to feel heavy and tears came down my face as if my heart had been wrenched from my body. Dr. Ana Marie’s first words were “ we’ll start whenever you want”. I believe in getting help.
Speaking up and not being scared to ask for help was the best decision I ever made for myself. Some days i'd sit in her office and just think about other people who’ve sat exactly where I was sitting and felt the same exact way.
It made me realize that people are infamous actors. They put up an act so people won't see them ache in pain but deep inside they’re hurting. I believe in treating everybody with kindness.
Two months went by and I had a weekly appointment with Ana Marie. I know it’s her job to listen to people’s problems. It still amazed how somebody I had no idea existed became the reason my dark days were turning brighter. She was like my walking diary. I believe in the kindness of strangers. Till this day she likes to keep it touch with me just incase I ever need to vent, if I ever felt that I was spiraling backwards.
I am better now, I conquered my own battle with the help, ears and wise words of someone else.