I had never had my heart broken before. I guess part of me was hoping I never would. I was hoping for a fairytale. I was hoping for some guy to come and sweep me off my feet. I was hoping for some guy to love me and to care about me. I was hoping for some guy who would never break my heart. Maybe that was a selfish thing to hope for. Maybe that was why I got what I did.

I’m not mad at the universe about it, no. Everything happens for a reason. This is all part of God’s plan. I’m not mad at him about it, either. Maybe that’s because I have trouble staying mad at people. Maybe it’s because part of me still cares about him. I don't know. The only person I can be mad at is myself, really. I didn't see through his lies. I gave him the power to hurt me. It was my mistake, no matter if everybody else is saying otherwise.
Still, part of me expected something like this. Maybe that's why I'm not as upset as I should be. Maybe that's why a huge part of me feels relieved. I knew what type of person he was. I knew he had a history. I guess I was hoping that maybe, because we had been friends for so long, none of that would matter. I guess I was hoping that he wouldn't hurt me. I knew he would, though. Somewhere inside of me, I knew. Maybe I just didn't want to admit it. Maybe part of me believed he really cared. Maybe both. It was inevitable, though. Him hurting me — it was inevitable.

In the end, we both got hurt. I still don't know why he thought we wouldn't. I still don't know why he thought I wouldn't find out about his lies.  I still don't know why he thought it was a good idea in the first place. I will probably never know. I told him I didn't want to talk to him again. I told him I don't see our friendship being repaired. Not this time. He wronged me far too much for me to forgive him. He wronged all of us. He did everything for his own benefit, too. I think that's why it's so upsetting. He didn't do it for me, nor for her, even though he tries to make it seem like he did. He did everything for himself. Every mistake he has made has been for himself. And when people find out about his mistakes, he puts on a show. He acts as if he's the victim. He acts as if he's the one who has been wronged. He pins the blame on someone else. He pinned the blame on me. I think that's why it's so upsetting.

I’m not upset that my feelings for him turned out to be unrequited. I’m not upset that he had feelings for a different girl. I’m not even that upset about half of the lies he told — not specifically, anyway. I’m upset because this entire situation could have been avoided. I’m upset because he didn’t tell me that he no longer had feelings for me. I’m upset because he kissed me, twice, but then tried to play it off as if it never happened. I’m upset because he told me that he loved me when he didn’t. I’m upset because he allowed me to believe that there was chemistry between us, only to tell me that it never meant anything to him. I’m upset because he only did all of this, because he thought I would hate him and leave him if he didn’t. I’m upset because he genuinely thought that I was so shallow that I would hate him for not having feelings for me. I’m upset because he actually got joy out of all of this.

It gave him joy to lead me on. It gave him joy to mess with me the way he did. Even though he ended up getting hurt in the end, as well, it still gave him joy to intentionally lie to me. It gave him joy to play with my emotions and my feelings. It gave him joy to play me. I was just a “plaything” to him. I should’ve realized that when he said it that day, but in that moment, I had genuinely believed that he was joking. I don’t know how I could have been so oblivious, so naive.