I was a person who never liked going school, didn't have any friends and even if I had I'd mess everything up and again would be left alone. Everything was so chaotic. Everything was so wrong. My terms with my parents were so chronic that we didn't even sit for a minute to talk. The only person I had was my best friend. But even she left me so I was then a person completely on myself. I had to find a secret spot in school so that other people couldn't see that I was left alone and also because I didn't look up for anyone's sympathy. I'd take a few books with me, study for a while but again get into the thoughts that everything is just so wrong and why is teenage so bad. Of course, I had no answers. Eventually I started overthinking. I don't know whether it was brain that made worse things for me or the fate itself.
Bad things went more bad when my mum was diagnosed to have slip disc and my sister started having fits, which later on was diagnosed with epilepsy. Things couldn't go more worse. Daddy happened to live in an other city because his job was there, so there were more expenses - managing two homes, medications, school fees, etc,. I would feel so lethargic and started having suicidal thoughts. I messed up with my school studies and that feeling up drowning was so intense that I completely lost my personality. Those verbal family fights every weekend when Daddy came over were so stingy.
After all this happening suddenly, I'd think about why are things like these or why some people are so happy and they really mean it that they're happy. I'd blame fate, my parents, myself. And I was completely taken over by negatively. I couldn't find even one way out of it. I was exhausted of the fact that no one is happy. No one at my home. I'd feel like I'm sick. And what happened next was I really got sick. I'm talking not about just a fever like thing or normal cough and cold. I had my appendix inflamed. Got the operation done and had to stay at home for nearly two weeks which was all the more depressing. The only thing that I was worried about was my studies as it was my 12th grade. I missed so many classes at school and moreover, there was no one who could feel me or in anyway ask me to stop thinking like that or could motivate me to get out this state of my mind.
Appendix was removed from my body but after a month it was told that I have stones in my left kidney and cyst in my right ovary. I totally sank. I couldn't even envisage about a single more thing after this. My school teachers didn't even believe any bit of it and thought that I was just fibbing so that I don't have to attend school. I would cry my heart out. Every night the tears would flow without even my will. But I had no way out of it. And then I was suffering from extreme anxiety.
I had lost every hope. I started having suicidal thoughts again. I just couldn't take all of this anymore. It was just it. Like why me always?
I got to know about a Buddhism chant 'Nam Myoho Renge Kyo'. At first I thought that what could come out of chanting. I didn't even think about it after that. I wanted a change, I wanted to live happily. I wanted to laugh like I'm a mad person. I wanted mental peace. So I decided to think positively after reading the book 'The secret' and catered a pinch of faith that everything will be fine, soon. I'd workout, go jogging and only think about the things I wanted from me, from the universe. Call it God's blessing or anything but I started with chanting. I started doing Daimoku (chanting a Buddhism chant 'Nam Myoho Renge Kyo') and I would only think about the good stuff.
I got my faith back and people in school started talking to me. They started initiating and I could see good things happening. Not only because I chanted but because I wanted a change and hence, brought a change in myself.
Suddenly things got better at home, at school and I was at peace. I got my way out of anxiety.
And the basic lesson I got was that at times you're giving your 90% but life gives you only 10% and vice versa but the thing to be kept in consideration is that this 90-10 ratio makes 100% in total and that's how I got over from the psychological stress I suffered from.