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The Relastionship Between a Father and Daughter

By , Cupertino, CA

Rachel, Maxwell,Ryan. It was the last few minutes of math class and the teacher was passing back our  tests. I became hot with worry.”I'M not going to get an A” I thought I kept telling myself that so that I wouldn’t be disappointed but I couldn’t help have a little hope that maybe I got an A or at least a B+.”Ann” it was my turn my heart felt like it was a drum and I was so nervous but my legs kept walking towards the teacher.Then the test was finally in my hands.” A C!” I thought.I had gotten used to getting Cs in class and it didn’t tear me apart the way I had thought it would but now I had a new dread “What is my Dad going to say?”. My dad had always been strict with grades and even thought I had gotten used to Cs ,he had not, and every time I had always dreaded both the grade and my Dad’s reacttion to it.

 

”I could hide it” I thought but there was a huge problem, I had talked about this test in every other conversation with him and there was no possible way on earth that anybody not even somebody with as horrible memory as my dad would forget .So he is going to ask and I will be forced to show him.”what will I do what will I do?” I thought franticly, but just then the bell rang for 6th period.”   


That evening I avoided dad as much as I could. But then just before I went to bed he asked “What did you get on your math test?” I was in a state of panic “What do I do” I thought “lie” answered my brain”.” I got an A” I said with little effort of keeping the truth hidden ”Let me see” he said in an angry voice.I walked to my back pack in a state of despair because I knew he would yell at me for not only getting a C but also for lying to him. I finally handed him the paper and once I did I ran outside because every time my dad gets angry I go outside until he calms down.

 

I was outside the wind was cool and calming but I couldn’t focus on any of that because I was waiting for the unavoidable yell that was going to come from my dad any minute and the why didn’t you try harder talk that was going to come right after.But instead of the yell he came outside and said “come inside”.” Why does he want me to come inside why is not shouting at me? ” I thought.” Look I need to talk to you need to study harder for your tests and it's my job to help you because your failures are also mine”.”Why is he taking the blame for this does he think I can’t handle taking responsibility for something and if my failures are his does that also mean my victories are his?” I though while suppressing anger and blind rage.


So my failures and victories are also yours.” I said which indicating that I was angry by the tone of my voice.”Yes because as a parent it my job to make sure you succeed.” he said.


 Then without saying anything I stormed to my room because I knew I was being unreasonable but knowing that but when you’ve lived your whole life worrying about your father’s disapproving glare over your shoulder soulder and finally finding out that he considers your success paraly his when all he did was force an unspoken rule that your life will fall apart if you don’t do well in this subject it's hard not to get angry.

 

The next day I found out there was a quiz on friday.”I’ll be okay I’ll do well on the test and everything will be fine”. I thought. But that voice kept ringing in my head “your accomplishments are also mine”. It repeated in my head like an aggressive dog that kept barking.”Be quiet, don’t think about it just push it out ,forget.” I thought. “Be quiet!” I thought as I commanded my brain to stop playing those painful words over and over.” Think about when school will be over” I thought trying desperately to calm down my brain.But it didn’t work.


2 weeks  had passed and the sting of the comment was still as strong as when I had first heard it and I had become hard to finish because of the stress and sting those fateful words left.I didn’t know if my dad was aware of the struggle I was going through but I felt he went back to looking over my shoulder.” Why can’t I just move on?” I asked myself many times a day.”Why is is still vivid in my memory and why does it hurt?” I asked.
  
”He’s a parent it's his job to make sure I succeed, but if that's true why did it tear me apart to hear that my failures and accomplishments are also somebody else's” I thought.”Maybe it's because there was a new level of expectations being put on me” I thought. Maybe it's that he’s not only looking over my shoulder but also taking my achievements and failures as  partly his own.”Whatever the reason I felt so deeply about this I  need to move on from this because I can’t spend my life living with the anxiety of this one comment that was ether poorly worded or intentional because chances are  I’ll never know.I’ll never know what he meant but the best thing to do is to leave it behind as best as I could because my life will be too precious to spend focusing on a scar that will become more distant with each passing day.




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