Exhausted after a shower that I hoped would wash away the pain from running, I open my books and start chipping away at my math “homefun”.

Buzz-Buzz

My phone beckons. Why now? Everyone knows I do homework after cross country. I ignore it, an angry knot forming in my stomach.

Buzz-Buzz

I give in.

Sophia

The knot vanishes. Sophia and I had known each other but never really talked until she sent me a Snapchat that wasn’t meant for me; this opened the door to a relationship filled with God’s love. Since then, we’ve been each other’s confidant, spending countless hours together and helping each other deal with life. With a softened heart, I swipe to my messages.

“I made some stupid f***ing comments...mom said she was embarrassed by me being there and that Grandma probably never wants to have me over again. I’m not going to college not smart and S*** with everything but something I can’t even get a job doing. I just disappoint people every time I breathe.”

Goosebumps grow as I process what I read.  How can I respond? I know she’s smart. She’s in frickin’ early college. How can I tell her she’s loved?

Buzz-Buzz

“I just don’t feel good enough and I’m not going down the greatest path...doing and saying stupid things.”

I want to reach through the phone, hug her, and say “God doesn’t use the best; He uses those who are hurting and stumbling the most”. Instead, separated by distance and darkness, I tap send with the sincerest of taps and hope my tone won’t get lost in the vastness of cyberspace and the monotony of text on a screen.

“I’m just not doing good things.”

My annoyance grows a little and the angry knot returns. I just told her whatever she’s done is covered by Christ. She doesn’t have to worry about her past. Why can’t she understand she’s loved?

“I literally just made plans to get high with someone.”

My stomach drops. I slump back, goosebumps forming again. The knot tightens. How can she do this? Is she thinking of her life? What it will do to our friendship? To me?

“You’re not doing that. I’m dead serious.”

I immediately regret it. How can you say that? What happened to love? What happened to empathy? I failed to be the friend I promised; I failed to be God’s disciple, abandoning His teachings in James and 1 Corinthians. I had become slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to anger. I had forgotten love. Tears well in my eyes while I quickly try to say something, anything that will help. My mind scrambles for words as I mash my thumbs across the keyboard.

“Just cuz you made plans doesn’t mean you have to follow through with it.”

…

Why isn’t she responding?

“The dumb part of a plan can only be dumb if you do it.”

Just shut up. You’re only making it worse.

“I’m thinking about it deeper. Goodnight love you.”

Fear, pain, failure, and self-hate began to flow down my cheeks.

“Love you.”

Love... The expression sticks with me as a reminder of what I quickly forgot. A reminder that when I talk, I need to show grace and empathy---attributes of that profoundly simple word. Through moments like these, God shows me who I am and why He put me here. They’re reminders that everyone needs grace, including me. God showed me my heart had hardened, a lesson I hope sticks with me for the rest of my life.

Going forward, I will strive to be more patient and understanding before speaking. This will allow me to communicate more clearly and better empathize with others; in turn, it will hopefully compel people to offer me the same consideration. Interactions framed in love will result in a better experience for all.