I wrote you into my comic book so now you have to like me

October 1, 2016
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I always wanted to write a comic book because working for marvel would be, like, the dream but I can’t draw and I can’t paint and colors don’t make sense to me which I used to always blame on being left-handed because it smudges everything but there’s this left-handed cohort of comedians I follow on Instagram and one of them drew a really nice ‘zine cover so I guess that theory is bust

When I was nine I was going to my neighbor’s because our doors are connected and my sister followed me and stuck her hand out when the door was shutting and now, mom claims, she’s a righty and if you ask mom I slammed it on purpose but I didn’t hate my sister yet so that doesn’t make any sense but I’m glad because now I get to sit on top of it and make it my thing so what if we’re 10% of the population it’s 0% of my family and even better 0% of my friends

0% of my friends who seem to infiltrate everything I do everything I create is just another iteration of them every character just a dramatized and rebranded version of someone I need the audience to gang up on I think you can get sued for that but only if what you do is famous so for now I think I’m okay and anyway I’m going to make it big at that point who cares if fakes from high school sue me I made fun of them at the emmys

Everyone likes to tell me I’m not 100% on I say words wrong but who really cares if I pronounce worm warm instead of werm you just like to say classic lindsey whenever I’m 0% off like my cubes I draw my cubes wrong when I’m doodling I like doing the individual boxes and then connecting them instead of drawing each line in order (it makes my lefty fingers cramp) you can sue me for all I care car carrie cayre?

I’m nine years old and I write a list of names and ages, names that I think sound sort of cool but are really just bull**** syllables strung together I think I really liked the name evie and that one I never got over because for seven years every time I wanted to write about myself I just used the name anyway I had this list of names and ages and just wrote about a fictional underwater society it didn’t really matter the setting but I was popular and had superpowers

Which is super fitting because popularity is really just about power as much as superpowers are about power and everything’s just this mad struggle to regain my national sovereignty, or that’s what international relations has been telling me so Hi welcome to the marvel comic book universe if you want anything just ask me and I’ll consider it you can’t draw anymore you’re just some ugly outline I made when I was high and then I decided hate you you can’t draw anymore

Hi welcome to the marvel comic book universe what can I do to assist you all on this fine morning oh wait nothing haha f*** you you’re trash I tried coloring in this page with marker but smeared red liquid or whatever they’re sticking in markers these days and my left hand is gross and I can wash it but so is your face so I’ll just make you green now too. Red and green and ugly because lefties can’t draw (drah) they can’t do anything right.

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