A Love Too Strong

September 29, 2016
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Have you ever loved someone so much that you just know you can’t live without them?  Not in a sense where you think “If you died tomorrow I’d be sad” kind of way.  In a sense where you actually can’t live without them.  In a sense where you know that if they were to die tomorrow you would actually kill yourself because you couldn’t imagine your life without that person there with you.  You would follow them into darkness just to see their face one last time.  You’d follow them to laugh with them once more, to talk to them for one more minute.  You’d follow them just to be with them even just for a second… 

I have this friend who I love like this.  We’re not together, we’re not family, we’re best friends, but to me we are much more than that.  So much more, I can’t even find a word to describe it.  They aren’t just my best friend, they are more than family, and they are more important than a lover.  I love them more than anything.  If I were to get a call saying they died in a car accident I wouldn’t hesitate before killing myself, and that’s saying something. 
You see death scares me. I was suicidal for the longest time but I could never actually do it because I was too afraid.  Too afraid of what comes after, but if my best friend were to die in any kind of way, I would follow them.  I wouldn’t even think about the fear, I would only think about them.  So when I say I can’t live without them, I know I can’t, but then again it’s easy to say “I’d die for you”.  If my best friend’s life was on the line and the only way to save them was to kill myself, I’d do it.  I wouldn’t even think before I’d do it.  However it’s not so easy to say “I’d live for you”.  If the person you loved most in the world were on their death bed and wanted you to promise to live for them would you be able to?  If it came down to any family member, I could.  Any of my friends, I could.  With my best friend, I couldn’t.  If they begged me to promise to live for them, I’d straight up tell them “When you leave, I’m following you”.  I couldn’t live for them.  They are my life.  Without them, I’m dead.  Without them, I’m nothing.  They are what makes life worth living, so without them I’m a waste. 

The worst thing about this feeling, the feeling of loving someone this much, is knowing that it isn’t mutual, and knowing it can never be mutual.  Knowing that the person you love this much doesn’t feel nearly as much love for you as you do for them.  They treat you like anyone else, and don’t beat themselves up if they hurt you the slightest bit.  Yeah they feel a little bad, but they don’t truly feel the pain you do when you hurt them. 

Then they really hurt you, like my friend hurt me.  It hurts more than any other kind of pain because you realize you’re worth jack s*** to them.  You’re simply just there.  Another somebody.  Nothing special at all to this person whom you love so dearly.  However they claim you mean more to them than you believe, but you know it isn’t true because they wouldn’t have hurt you the way they did if they truly loved you as much as they say they do.  So you sit there hurting, accepting that fact that you’ll never feel completely okay again.  It’s like an emotional torture, constant and unstoppable.  And all you want to do is say “F*** it” and tell them you’re done and you don’t want to see them ever again, but you can’t.  Because living without them, means killing yourself slower.  So you act strong and put together, but in reality you are weak and completely shattered to pieces.  You hate them, but you love them.  You love seeing them, but part of you can’t stand seeing them.  You want them to disappear, but you know if they did you wouldn’t be able to handle it…

Then you start to hope that they realize you truly aren’t okay and try to fix things, but you realize that’ll never happen because they don’t care as much as you do… And they never will. 

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