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My Internal Scars

By , Pasco, WA

The scars that I have experienced all my life are my internal ones; suffering from an emotional disorder, being mentally, emotional, and physically abuse. When I was going into seventh grade in middle school everything was going very well good grades and doing good in softball. Then one day when I was ready for school and left my bus a few girls started to point at my clothes, at first I thought it was nothing so I went to my classes like nothing happen.  The next day came but more girls were pointing at me, they weren’t pointing at my close but my scar I had on my neck from surgery when I was little I was upset but I brushed it off like it was nothing. One-day walking to my locker and opened it there was a note from a guy that I liked telling me to meet him after class, so I did.


I waited and waited nothing happen as I was about to leave he came to get me. We started to hang out a lot then he asked me out and I said yes, not that long into the relationship things got out of hand. People started to call me horrible names and telling him I cheated and I didn’t. After a week of that he said “I can’t be with you cause of the drama and what people are saying about you it’s too much for me” I then said “okay I understand”. I cried the whole for a whole day and night thinking why would people believe what other people say. After that was over I wanted to start focusing on my school and softball but in classroom it only got worst notes were saying vampire girl cause my teeth were overlapping each other, ugly, loser. So I started to wear makeup to feel pretty because I felt that I didn’t fit in since I was a sporty type.


My outfit that day was a nice shirt with blue jeans and flats; my hair was done and my makeup I felt weird but then I had more confidence I felt like one of the girls. But as soon I went in school it became worst, they threw food at me saying I will never be pretty as them I was so upset that I cried that whole day thinking I’m never beautiful like they are.  One day at school I was walking in the hallway keeping to my I accidently bumped into one of them my books fell so I started to pick them up, but when I did she kicked them away and said “if you bump into me again I’ll punch you till you can’t breathe”.  I got scared I try to avoided going to school but I couldn’t escape because I was getting threats through social media I was thinking how did they get my number and why are they doing this to me. I had no choice but to go to school and deal with it I barely had friends because of this they said “we can’t be friends anymore because we don’t want to get hurt” my friends since elementary just left me all alone like I was nothing but trash to them. I became depressed, insecure, and all alone I had no one; I thought to myself why I should be here no one wants me. Until I meet a guy who I started to fall in love with I was fourteen and he was seventeen he was a nice guy but did a lot of drugs and alcohol. I didn’t mind it because I was around it with him but he would do so much he got out of hand. He started to call me fat and worthless, I would say to myself “when he is sober he will be fine and love you more than before”. Then he started to be controlling and abusive, he would throw me on the ground, get in my face and scream, and he hit me. I broke up with him but for some reason I felt it was my fault I wasn’t perfect so I started to pop pills and drink. Then one day I was thinking I shouldn’t live anymore because I have no one so I took pills, cut my wrist and thighs, and decide to hang myself.


I wrote my note to my and dad saying “don’t cry I just have no place in this world I’m sorry I’m going to put you through this mom and dad I love you but I’ll be at peace as an angel.” Once I was done my mom came in my room and saw what I was doing to myself she came in hugged me and cried saying “why didn’t you tell me” I replied saying “who would care”. My mom was telling me her story about what she went through at my age and was in the same situation, then I realized I’m not alone I have my family who has been by my side since day one. I started to ignore the negative and focus on the positive and be who I am. I dress up somedays or go casual somedays, I started to be more confident in my body because I like my size, and I also realize that taking your own life will only bring more grieve and suffering. My internal scars remind me that they made me who I am, I still have emotional problems but they are better. When people ask about my scars I’m not ashamed to tell them, I help with suicide prevention, and I am a good student and have my grades back on track.  This is the story of me, my life, my experience, and the scars that are forever inside of me.

 

So whenever you are feeling alone or hurting on the inside of being insecure remember that you are not alone. There are millions of others who go through the same thing and people who can help you get through this. And also if you hurt yourself remember you are also hurting your parents who don’t want to see their children hurt or buried. Always keep smiling, be yourself, and help others who are in need of a friend. Being you is the best thing you can be because you were put here to be you not for others liking. If you depress do something that makes you happy or also right down a list of what you want to be able to do so you can remind yourself that you do matter and to ignore the negative vibes of people, and life.




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