A Letter to Myself

September 14, 2016
By , Roanoke, VA

Dear me,

Whether this is set for 6 or 7 years ago when it all really began, 2 when you first got hospitalized, or even now as you still struggle, please take what I say to heart.
Life is not a long stretch of bad that ends with just constant goodness.
It is a big mix of bad moments and good ones.
It struggling for so long and finally feeling strong again, then being tossed back down the rabbit hole.
But this time, you are left with tools to help yourself climb.
You are left with a support system that spans across continents.
You are left with a sense of pride as you look back on how far you've come.
You are left with a family that loves you to the moon and back, teachers and faculty who have helped you battle every bad thought, friends that have seen you at your best and held you at your worst, and a boyfriend who will do anything to see you smile.
You are left with so much passion in your heart, love in your soul, and drive in your mind.
You are left with days in which you feel like you've moved not an inch and days in which you feel like you've walked miles.
You are not left with scars, and god, sometimes you could cry from happiness and sometimes from sadness because of that.
Sometimes scars feel like the only way to show how much you've grown, how much hate you've pushed away, how much love you've let in.
But I promise you that they aren't.
You can read back on your poetry and stories, or if you're feeling strong enough, you can even read old suicide notes.
You can see in your eyes, feel in your bones and your skin how much you've grown.
As we take these steps forward at school and you feel yourself start to fall in little ways, I know you'll be stronger than you used to be.
You'll reach out; you'll talk about it.
I've already seen you do it.
I know you can continue to.
Because I know better than anyone how strong you are.
So please, just for now, love yourself.
It gets better, even when it gets worse.


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