Here I am yet another time falling for someone I shouldn’t be. I tried to conceal my heart and not let the feelings start, but I guess I can’t do that. Obviously I can’t because this has happened before. It seems like I am always the person who cares and gets more attached than the other.
We hadn’t talked in months and I thought about him often. It is now October and the last time we talked was in the summer. I walked down the school hallway and saw him, we locked eyes and smiled at each other. My chest suddenly flutters with a warm feeling and I long to go over and hug him. Instead I choose to keep walking. My brain starts to scatter. Does he feel the same way I do? Do I even have a chance with him? Does he think I’m annoying? Should I message him?
I go through the rest of the school day thinking about him wondering if I should message him.
My friend Robert looks at me as we sit on the bus.
“Should I message him?”
“If that’s what you want to do.”
“Do you think it’s possible he likes me?” My brain then fills with numerous thoughts of how there is no way he likes me anymore; he did a couple months ago I was just to blind to see it. I lost my chance.
“I think he might.” I let the conversation drop as I surrender myself to my discouraging thoughts. Why do I always like someone who isn’t what I actually want? I ask myself frustrated with my heart. I want someone who is Christian and he is not. A little voice in my head whispers and says, “Madeleine it’s okay that he isn’t Christian you have so much in common with him and you get along so well.” The voice convincing me it doesn’t matter. Before I know it I’m sitting on my bed looking at my phone. I had gone to messenger and had his account pulled up. I typed out the words, “Hey it was nice to see you today.” Lightly my finger presses the send button. I wait anxiously as I stare at my phone. It says he was active twenty minutes ago. Five minutes later I see three blue dots moving up and down. My phone made a noise as his reply came through and our conversation started just like before as if no time had passed between us.
The next few days I constantly checked my phone and replying within seconds of his responses. His responses sometimes weren’t for hours. Whenever my phone made a ding noise I checked my phone, my eyes bugging out of my head and excitement swelling within me. Disappointment then replaced that excitement when it wasn’t a reply from him. Why am I doing this?
The next day I hung out with him during our free period and he was working on a computer and explaining to me what he was doing. It was so cute to see him so passionate about something. He smiled as he talked about it. That smile got me every time. He then walked me to class and gave me a hug, wishing it didn’t have to end he let go and I told him I’d talk to him later.
The next day I called him and we talked about how he has been feeling. I told him everything would work out for the best, not wanting him to be sad. A person as great as he is shouldn’t be sad. Then he tells me he likes this girl who I happen to know. My heart explodes in my chest and suddenly I feel as though I may throw up.
“I feel like I should tell you something but I don’t know if now is the right time.”
“Tell me I want to know.” He insists.
His best friend then takes the phone and tells me,
“If there is someone else who likes him they should tell him because he might like them too. The girl that he is talking about broke his heart before and if someone else likes him he might end up liking them as well.”
Suddenly I was very confused, doesn’t he like someone else not me? I honestly thought he had feelings for me and his best friend is inferring he does. Should I just tell him? I guess I’d rather have it off my chest so I won’t constantly be thinking about it.
“Okay let me talk to him again.” I say excited thinking there actually could be a chance.
“Hello.” He says with adorable voice.
“Austin I like you and even though I know nothing will come from it I just thought you should know.”
“Oh well I am planning on dating the girl I told you about… I’m going to talk to her parent’s tomorrow and ask permission to date her.”
“Oh okay.” Suddenly my eyes are filled with tears and I’m trying to hold them back but they are coming quickly.
“I’m going to go.” I stutter through my tears.
“I’m sorry, I’m not doing it on purpose. I guess this is just bad timing. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay bye.” I hang up the phone and tears continued to fall from my eyes. Why was I such a fool? How could I be so stupid to think that he didn’t care about anyone else? I fell asleep feeling depressed about what had happen even though I knew it was for the best.
Two days passed and it was now the day he had told me he was going to ask her out. I felt sick and I couldn’t bear to go to school today and risk seeing him. I literally felt sick to my stomach thinking about him with another girl. After arguing with my mom about it for ten minutes she finally gave in and said I could stay home. I went back to sleep hoping I’d feel better later but I didn’t.
When I woke up again I laid in my bed thinking. My thoughts crawled through my mind in a more hushed manner and peaceful manner. I thought to myself, this is what was supposed to happen. God knew better than I did once again and kept me away from something I was never meant to have or get involved in. At least I know God won’t hurt me and I once again learned from my mistake.