I remember this day so well it sometimes scares me. Every time I think about loving him I think back to this day. It was a Saturday in August of 2016. I didn’t plan for this to happen on this day, in fact I didn’t want this to happen on any day. I am in love with my best friend, Esten. He had no idea that I was in love with him until that Saturday night in August.

Esten’s parents were out of town on a camping trip, so he decided to have some friends over. At the time I was talking to this guy Corey. Corey is a very nice guy, and I was beginning to like him. I had Corey come over to Esten’s, so we could hang out, and get to know each other a little more. Everybody was at the house by 8 o’clock. Esten, Corey, Krystil, Alexis, Olivia, and I were all at Esten’s house.

I volunteered to make dinner for everybody. I began to make chicken alfredo around 8:15 or so. I began to get frustrated because Corey was trying to tell me what to do and take over cooking dinner. I am a very independent person so this was a huge turn off for me. Everyone was eating, making drinks, and having fun. Olivia put on some music and all the girls began to dance. Olivia is my other half, more like my sister than my best friend. We were dancing and singing and having a good time. Corey began to make me feel uncomfortable at this point. He kept trying to grab me and kiss me and I didn’t like it. I’m not a big fan of P.D.A. It makes me uncomfortable, and plus I was trying to have a good time with my friends, not give him a lap dance.

At this point Olivia and I went outside for a little bit so Olivia could take a smoke break. Olivia said to me “Why are you messing around with Corey anyway, I know you have a thing for Esten.” I said, “Corey’s a nice guy, and Esten has no idea how I feel about him.”

“Just grow some balls and tell him Shelby, he cares about you, I can see it by the way he looks at you. He can take care of you.” Olivia said.

After a couple more drags off her cigarette, and a few dirty jokes we headed back into the house. At this point my head was foggy. I didn’t know what to think. I had all these emotions running around my head all at once. On one hand I had this guy, Corey, who says he loves me and wants to be with me, but on the other hand I’m in love with my best friend Esten, and he has no idea.

I sat down on the couch for a while just thinking about what I wanted to do. A few people asked me if I was alright. I would respond with “yea just tired,” as I held back the tears, not knowing what to do. I was not able to hold back the tears once Esten came and sat by me and asked if everything was ok. At that moment all my emotions came pouring down my face. I got up and walked out the front door. I don’t like people to see me cry, it makes me feel weak.

I was sitting outside on the sidewalk overwhelmed with emotion. Esten came out the door, I did the best I could not to look at him. If I looked at him, I knew the tears would rush faster down my face. He sat right in front of me. With my face barred between my legs, I asked him what he wanted. “Shelby what is wrong?” I responded with, “Nothing, I’m fine.” We played this back and forth game for a minute or two before he became irritated with me. Esten stood up and picked me up with him. At this point we were standing directly in front of each other. His facial expression worried, he said, “Shelby you are my best friend, and I never know what’s going on with you. You are so happy all the time, and that’s great but you have to stop pretending that your fine 24/7. It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to talk about it. I won’t judge you I promise”. At this point I was sobbing. I knew in my head that I had to tell him I loved him. This was not the place, or the time but I had to do it. “Esten I have to tell you something and I hope it doesn’t change things, but it needs to be said. I like you, not only that but I am in love with you. I have strong feelings for you, more than friend feelings”. I stopped there, there was so much more I wanted to say but I wanted him to respond first. Esten said “Shelby I love you so much just not in a romantic way”. Hearing those word made me sick to my stomach and my knees went weak. The tears started flowing down my face again and the only thing I could do was pace back and forth. Esten told me to stop multiple times. He then came up wrapped his arms around me, and whispered in my ear “Shelby I am so sorry”. I then pulled him off me and told him I had to go. He begged me to stay, but I knew I needed to be alone.

I got home cleaned myself up and went to bed. I woke up the next morning to text messages from Olivia, and Corey asking if I was okay. I still wasn’t ready to talk to anybody. I sent a message to Esten saying I was sorry. After a couple days I was fine, and our friendship was back to normal. I still am in love with him, but I am keeping an open heart.