They don’t understand the agony, the pain. The feeling of imperfection, the endless feeling of never being good enough. They don’t know what it feels like to drag a blade across your arm or thigh. The feeling of guilty pleasure and relief. They don’t know why you always wear long sleeves or pants in the middle of summer. Maybe they don’t care, or maybe they’re just afraid. Afraid of facing the ugly truth. They dont want to realize that their child is facing things that no one should have to face..Depression. Endless pain. Wanting to die or punish themselves. I understand it. I go through it. I wish it would go away, but it wont. No matter how much i want it gone, it’s still there. I used to be happy, but now I’m sick of pretending. Sick of always having to put on a fake smile. I know i don’t have to, but I don’t want to show the world that i have a problem. I dont want my mom and dad worried constantly about me. Thats not how i wanted to live my life. Now they know my secret. They check on me, and when they find out i cut again, they think that it’s THEIR fault that I’m hurting, but its NOT. I love my parents, and i dont want to hurt them….but i dont know how to stop..i feel worthless all the time...and especially when i cut. I feel like i fail everyone. Everyone always asks me why i cut, but i don’t know the answer. People just assume its for attention, but its not. I need help, I want help….but i dont know how to communicate the fact that i have a problem. I see a therapist, but i don’t tell her everything...not because i don’t trust her..its because i don’t want to go to the hospital or have to take anti-depressants. I'm scared of being a bother and causing my parents more trouble than I’m worth. I’m just scared. But I’m working on getting help. it’s hard, but I’m working on it. I’m also working on helping my parents understand. But I’m still scared. I’ll always be scared.
Thoughts of a Depressed Teenager
August 28, 2016