No one wants to believe that anything bad can happen to him. When we watch movies or read books about bad things happening to people, no one really realizes that it could happen to them. Sure we attend funerals or hear gossip about bad things but unless we go through it ourselves we don’t truly understand the pain that person is in. For example; school has been in session for a little over a week and already my world has been shaken.
School has always been a hard thing for me. I’ve never been good at making friends or fitting in. I’m in tenth grade which is helpful in the sense that I already know the school and some people in it. And I already had a best friend from ninth grade who had my back. My best and what felt like my only friend. But lately I felt like we were drifting slowly apart.
My Best friend Kayla had other friends then me, old middle school friends. But there was this one boy in her life who had her “Whipped”. His name was Luke. Now I never really liked Luke, I always thought her treated Kayla terrible and didn’t really care about her. But Kayla was obsessed. Kayla thought Luke treated her the way she deserved, even though he didn’t. I offered her advice about the situation whenever I could, trying to be her voice of reason but nothing I said could sway her feelings about him.
Well like most friends they had their fights, but this last one was a big one. Honestly, I’m not even sure what it was about. I think Kayla thought Luke was mad at her for confiding in him about how sad she was, dark things like that. I told Kayla that she shouldn’t be so worked up about driving Luke away, that it was a good thing and that she still had me. But it wasn’t good enough for Kayla. Kayla wanted to be friends with Luke again and make everything right and it hurt Kayla so much that when she saw Luke she often cried.
I was never very good in those situations. I felt terrible because I didn’t know how to help my friend, I didn’t know how to console her. What made it worse is that I begun to get annoyed and angry with her. Her other friends from middle school, well some of them at least started to get angry with her too. This one girl Katrina, she and Kayla used to be good friends although I never understood how because Katrina was terrible to Kayla, worse then Luke in a few ways. Anyway, Katrina was fed up with it. She snapped at Kayla and told her how stupid she was being and that she needed to get over herself and Luke.
It hurt Kayla a lot hearing that from Katrina and I felt like I had more pressure on me to be the best friend I could be to Kayla. That I had a responsibility to Kayla, to stick by her when everyone else turned her away. But we grew apart as her obsession with Luke seemed to get worse and worse. Then one day in choir class, I snapped.
Kayla was sitting in her chair in the front of the class, a haunted look in her eyes as she sat there crying. Class hadn’t started yet so I walked over to her and sat in the chair next to her. I grabbed her hand and let her cry for a little and then as much as I hate to say it, I snapped.
“Kayla, you know I love you like a sister and you’re my bestfriend but this is becoming insane. You’re driving your friends off the wall with this. Luke is nothing, he doesn’t care about you. I bet once we graduate you won’t even speak. Everything will be fine” I told her. I tried to be as gentle as I could but the more I think about what I said to her the worse I feel.
She told me she couldn’t just ignore him and that they have a lot of history together. She pulled out her phone and showed me a conversation between Katrina and Luke. Katrina asked Luke if he was upset with Kayla. And Luke replied with a lengthy paragraph saying how much it hurt him hearing her talk about her depression and her thoughts on killing herself. I wish I could have picked up on that. I wish I could have seen the signs.
I regret it now but I told Kayla she had the rest of choir class and that she needed to stop this “Pity Party” and move on. I, her best friend and maybe her only friend left had turned on her. I ignored her for the rest of class and we didn’t speak for hours after class.
I have my own problems in a way. After school that day I was going to therapy. I needed it then more then ever because I felt like I was getting worse. My depression, my unofficial depression, was getting the better of me. I felt like I was falling faster and faster down the endless pit and that one day, I would hit the ground. So I sat in there for an hour talking about how I feel, how I felt like I was worrying my parents and secretly myself. I had lost 6 pounds in less than a week and I still haven’t gained them back. How I would sit in the car and thinking about another car hitting into my side. How sometimes I would wish it would all just be over already. I could tell my therapist was worried about me. Saying if I felt like taking my life to tell someone immediately, that I could talk to my parents. I also talked to her about Kayla, about how we were drifting apart and maybe it was for the best. How I didn’t think we could be friends anymore because all the talk about Luke was driving me crazy.
After our session was over I checked my phone and saw a weird text on my phone from Kayla from almost an hour ago. It said
“Thank you so much for everything. I will miss you so much. I love you with all my heart. Goodbye”
I was confused at first. She had said things like that before, dark kinda scary things. I didn’t think anything of it but I got worried. So I texted back asking where she was going.
For the 30 minute car ride home I was constantly checking my phone for a reply. I told my mom that when we got home I was gonna call Kayla and Katrina to see if she got a weird message too. I texted Kayla again and put all my stuff away. I checked again and she still hadn’t answered. I closed my bedroom door and dialed her cell number. My hands shaking as one ring passed, then another, then another.
Finally she picked up. I didn’t hear anything, just breathing.
“Kayla? Are you ok?” I asked quickly needing to hear her voice, needing to know she was ok.
“Hey, this is Daniel, Kayla’s brother. Did Kayla send you a weird text?” He asked. I could feel my stomach drop at hearing his voice.
“Yeah she did. She told me thank you and goodbye. Is Kayla ok?” I asked him.
“Yeah, there was an incident. But she’s doing ok now.” He replied. We talked for four minutes about what was going on with her and then I finally realized.
“Did she try to kill herself?” I asked him shakily, silently begging that it wasn’t true that this was a lie, that she couldn’t, wouldn’t do this.
“Yeah, she took some pills and we’re at the emergency room now. Apparently she sent the text to a couple people and someone’s Mom saw that and tracked down my Mom. But I wouldn’t worry, she’s going to be ok” He explained. He went on to tell me about how I was the only one who called Kayla. I told him about how she talked about it before months ago and I didn’t pick up on it. He told me it wasn’t my fault for not knowing and then we said goodbye.
I tossed my phone on my bed and ran to my Mom in her room and hugged her sobbing how Kayla tried to kill herself and was in the hospital.
That night was spent sobbing in the shower and into my pillow at night. Chanting over and over how it was my fault, how I should have known and been there for her. How I shouldn’t have snapped at her. I could feel my depression get darker and darker thinking about how I couldn’t live myself if she would have died. I told Katrina and snapped at her for wanting to tell Luke. I knew Kayla wouldn’t want that. Katrina told me to chill which only made me angrier. I told her goodnight before I said something worse.
The next day at school was worse. I felt like a zombie. Trying not to cry as I thought about everything we went through together, seeing her locker, her empty seat in class. Lunch time came and I sat by Katrina and Luke. Katrina asked if I knew anything new about Kayla in code. I told her I didn’t know anything else and she told me that Luke knew.
I spoke to Luke at lunch and he knew for weeks she was planning to do this, talking about it constantly. He told her to leave him alone because her pain made him upset and he didn’t want to hear it. I snapped at him screaming why he didn’t tell someone, a teacher or me. I almost punched him when he told me he doesn’t trust teachers or counselors and that he knew Kayla’s parents hated her.
I screamed at him saying he could of told someone. That it’s better than her being dead. Katrina defended him, saying how Kayla’s parents gave her unnecessary medication. I knew that was a lie, I knew Kayla’s parents loved her that they just worked a lot. At that moment I gave up and sat somewhere else, crying angry tears to myself and cursing Luke for not telling someone and his stupidity. Knowing because of him Kayla could have died a long time ago.
I wish I could tell you that everything was going to be ok, that I’m going to be ok and so is Kayla. Kayla is going to live but I may never see her again. I’ve lost all my faith in my school. Our school brags that we don’t have cliques or drug problems or suicide issues. But they just don’t know about it and when they do they try to cover it up. They don’t know about Kayla and I don’t want them to, I don’t want them to cover up what happened to Kayla. I don’t want to pretend nothing happened because it did and it hurts more then you know.