Everything started so perfectly with you. I was happy, genuinely and truly happy, until it all changed, until you changed. We became busy; you left for training and I left for work. I told you I was scared because of the time apart and the distance but you told me not to worry, you said it would all work out and when you came home you’d come see me. Unfortunately it didn’t work out like that. As the distance between towns increased so did the distance in our relationship. The calls stopped, the texts came in slower, until those too started to stop. It became days before I heard from you. I held onto my phone waiting for the texts that never came. I was hurt but I had work to focus on so I tried to push it back in my mind and try to not over think things. I held on to the hope that it would get better.
It didn’t though; it never got better, the only conversations we had were fights. You told me I was the one that changed, but I knew it was you. I held on to the hope that maybe we could go back to how we were before it all changed. As I hoped… you moved on. You were upset with the change between us and within yourself that you were so quick to point fingers. You were so angry saying it was my entire fault that things were different; you couldn’t even see how you were just as much the problem. The blame game hurt me, you fighting about the change pushed me more away just making it worse.
I went from hoping to see your name pop up on my phone to dreading it… I was afraid that every text was just going to be another fight. I got used to you not being there when I needed you most that when you did finally reach out I didn’t want to talk anymore. You changed and you pushed me away. It got to the point where my friends noticed how upset I was and they said, “you’re so much better than this, don’t let some boy hurt you, you deserve better.” I told them that they were wrong and how good you were. I defended you. Then I realized that I shouldn’t do that anymore. I shouldn’t defend the boy who was changing and hurting me… so I stopped. I stopped defending you and I started agreeing with them.
I told you I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to focus on work and not the stress that this relationship was putting on me. In that moment I knew that it was you that had changed. I was scared for that moment, playing it over and over in my head so many times before I could talk to you about it. I wanted it to work and I hoped you did too but the second I said it I knew you didn’t. You didn’t seem phased by me stating we should take a break and focus on ourselves and work. The boy who cared so much in the beginning didn’t care about that relationship or me in that moment. You were so quick to end not only that conversation but whatever we had too.
From the moment that conversation ended, so did we. I never heard from you. The texts stopped all together and you didn’t care about me anymore. Maybe you were angry, maybe you were sad, maybe you were long over it before the conversation, or just maybe it was you that changed. I know from that moment until now the only thing I have thought of is, “Does he still care? Is it really just over? Is he as upset as I am? Does he even know or care if I’m upset?” I hoped if I thought you were hurting like me it would make it easier but that wasn’t the case. I don’t think you hurt like I did. You were so quick to post about being single and this, that, and the other thing that I knew I was the only one that felt the way I did. It just helped reassure me that from the moment you said I changed up until this very moment that I knew I was right that you were the one that changed.
And even if it hurt, I don’t hate you or resent you for it. I’m sorry you changed and I am even more sorry if I was the one that made you change. But I’ve accepted it and maybe even thankful for it because you taught me so much. So thank you for teaching me not to settle. Thank you for teaching me to put myself first. Thank you for just being another person who will make me stronger in the long haul. All I have to say is I’m sorry that you were the one that changed but I am not sorry that you were the one that made me a better me. I hope you are happy because I know one day soon I will be again.
The girl that learned to love herself