We're all afraid of something (I know, cliche). For some people, it's heights. For others, it's clowns. I'm afraid of spiders. I used to think that was my greatest fear, but I realized it wasn't. The realization came to me when I saw the boy I loved looking at someone else the way I look at him. Don't worry, this isn't all about my failed love life, that was just the realization (and the reminder). I'm one of those people that believes in soul mates. I'd like to think that there's someone for everyone, but, statistically speaking, there have to be some people that don't get anyone. They just die alone. I don't want to be one of those people. I know, I know, I said it wouldn't be all about romance... Being alone in a crowd (oxymoron? Or is it an idiom? I always get those two mixed up) scares the 'crap' out of me. I'm so terrified that someone will talk to me, or try to, because we won't be able to hold a conversation. I could be in a room with forty people, but if I don't know any of them, in my mind, I'm alone. (And I know that you're expecting some kind of insightful explanation behind that, but you're not getting one, because I don't have one.) That's what sucks about hanging out with family I don't get to see very often. I don't know them, so I can't talk to them, not like a normal person. They probably think there's something wrong with me, but there isn't. Well, there is; anxiety's a 'meanie.' It's especially "mean" to my body. My chest feels empty, but overfilled at the same time, like my heart is bursting from the emptiness, from what isn't there. I don't how to stop it. I will never be able to overcome this monster inside of me, squeezing my lungs over and over again, making me gasp out breaths that turn to the contents of my stomach being pushed out of my mouth. I don't know what's happening, I don't what's wrong, so I can't stop it. I shut down. I'm on the ground. I'm being attacked, but not by some monster, not by some parasite, but by myself. I'm being attacked by my own mind. I know my weaknesses; I will use them against myself. Everything gets darker; tunnel vision. The world closes in. I spiral deeper. But before I fall too far, too far to see the light again, he is there to pull me out. He always is. But he's also the one to push me down into the dark, endless hole. He always is.
Loneliness, Anxiety, and Bad Jokes (Oh My)
July 20, 2016