Have you ever lost something or someone so precious to you, it just changed you forever? Everyone goes through losses whether we like it or not. Every 3 seconds a life is  created as well as a life has ended. Not everyone experiences the same losses in the same ways. I’ve lost 6 family members. It’s a big number but not all of them affect me the same way. One of the lives that I’ve lost in my life that has a huge impact on me is my great grandmother.

The year was 2008 when I lost her. I had lost her due to lung cancer. She was about to turn 85 years old but it was too late. She would smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day. It sounds really bad, but she was in the greatest shape and health besides the smoking. She was always so full of energy. Her name was Melitza but everyone called her Nana which means grandmother in Serbian. She lived in Montenegro since she was in her 20s and had moved to America after giving birth to my grandmother in Italy, where she had walked to all the way from Montenegro while pregnant because there was a war going on. When she came to America, she began to learn the American language since she was going to stay for the long run. As time went on, my grandmother grew up, got married, had 5 kids. Her first child was my mom. My mom had passed away as well. She was in a car accident and was rushed to the hospital. I was 2 at the time. It is rare for a 2 year old to remember something like this but it sticks with me forever. I remember she had those breathing tubes in her nose and she had looked out of it. My grandparents were yelling at the doctors saying they can’t give her vaccines because she’s allergic to them, but they didn’t listen to a word and so they gave them to her anyway...and you can guess how she passed.  The car accident did not affect her as much and that’s not how she died. What I don’t like about remembering this is that I was in my aunt’s arms and she had told me to kiss her goodbye and I was crying and said no. This memory is so vivid, I even remember the peach walls.

After my mother passed away, my great grandmother, Melitza began to raise me. We lived on a sunny street called Springfield in Chicago. I’ve lived there until it was her time to go. She was the happiest person I ever knew. She was always positive and full of so much energy, there was no way you could ever be in a bad mood around her. She started smoking at a young age because Bette Davis would smoke in the movies. She also dressed like her. There was not one day where she had worn slacks or shorts. Even in the winter time, she’d wear a dress. Her smile would never leave her face. She’d wake up 6am every morning and watch Bonanza and wait until I wake up so she can make breakfast. I’m proud to say that my childhood was magnificent because of her. She loved me with all her heart. She did all that she could to make me happy. It didn’t take much though because she just threw good vibes all around. Everyone loved her. She was so kind and full of life.

When I was 7, she started getting sick. She’d get hospitalized from time to time. It was no surprise though, because the amount of smoking was horrific. Due to the smoking, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She stopped smoking on her own but ever since she had stopped she was just getting sicker by the day. She had to take about 10 different pills a day. Nana was so sick, it was to the point where she couldn’t walk. I had to start sleeping in the living room because she wasn’t okay. The neighbors would have to come to help her walk to the bathroom. She barely had to go to the bathroom though because she started eating less. I’d hear her crying in pain all the time, it made my ears bleed. It was hell. Ever since she got sick, there was no sunshine and rainbows to wake up to anymore. She was barely ever home because she’d sleep overnight at the hospital, sometimes even weeks. I remember the last time I saw her was when my grandmother and I picked her up from the hospital and while my grandmother was in the lobby, Nana looked at me and looked down at the tennis balls on the bottom of her walker and began to cry. I asked why she was crying and she said, “I want to die anyway.” I’ve never felt so empty in my whole life. She then started wiping her tears before my grandmother can come back and she had told me never to tell anyone this. Sure enough, I never did. Not because she told me not to, but because I was so young, it didn’t stick in my head.

When she passed away, nobody told me the moment she did. My grandmother was in the kitchen and I was watching cartoons. She came out and looked at me. I had asked her how nana was doing and she looked at me and told me the news. When I asked when she did, she had told me it was a few days ago. I replied, “What?! No way! You’re lying.” I just smiled and stared at the wall trying to process all of it. It didn’t hit me until the day of her funeral.  I have never cried so much in my whole entire life. I never would’ve expected her to go. Even though, she was at a close age, but she was the last person I ever thought would go to the other side. I still think about her from time to time, but I always block out the losses as much as possible so I don’t go insane.

There’s a saying, it goes, “A family is never the same once a grandmother passes.” and let me just say that is the truest line I’ve ever heard. There simply isn’t the same spark after they go. I’ve never had grief counseling and I’m proud to say that I’m strong that I’ve come a long way and it’s easy for me to tell these tales.