A couple months ago, I was eating lunch with some friends. They pointed out a “cute” guy and talked about him. I didn’t get it. I didn’t see the handsome face, and I didn’t imagine the six-pack beneath his shirt. My absence from the conversation made my friends question me on it. One of them told me that I might be asexual.

Having never heard of that type of sexuality before, I was curious. I found that asexuality is basically where you don’t want sex from either gender. I also learned that asexuals, nicknamed “Ace’s”, were sometimes hated upon within the LGBTA (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, Allies) community. I read that sometimes “Ace’s” were told they just needed to find the right person, or find someone really good at sex. I also read that sometimes “Ace’s” were raped simply because others thought that was what they needed to do to “fix” these people, and that to want sex is to be human (I’m clearly an alien now). Finding that people who are hated for being themselves would torment others for being themselves didn’t frighten me as much as I was shocked and angered at this.

I tried to find more information on asexuality, but the internet seemed devoid of the knowledge I sought. I even tried to search through the depths of Pinterest as a last resort, but all I found were a couple of Tumblr jokes. Looking through Pinterest for more information made LGBTA type things flow into my Pinterest feed. I learned that sexuality isn’t the only thing I could identify with; there is also romantic preference and gender identity.

As I looked into these waters, I found that I was possibly outside the binary (boy and girl genders) and maybe even had a different romantic interest.

Thinking along the lines of boy and girl genders, as well as transgender, I asked myself if I felt more like a boy than I girl. I answered no. I asked myself if I felt more like a girl than a boy. The answer was also no, even though I’m attracted to glittery things. But I HATE the color pink, and the thought of putting on makeup and dresses makes my toes curl.  I found that there was another gender I could identify with, something a bit more neutral.
Non-binary is the in-between of the two traditional genders. As I read through an article, I found a whole spectrum of genders. They ranged from agender to transgender, the in-between of those being demigirl or demiboy (feeling only a little bit apart of one gender). I found that I identify mostly with agender, or feeling that I’m not a part of either gender.

I then decided to delve into the different romantic preferences. I found one called “aromantic”, meaning you don’t look for or long for a romantic relationship. But I thought to myself, I’ve had crushes before. Does this mean that I’m not aromantic after all? But still, as I looked through the other types of romantic preferences, I still identified the most with aromantic. Still, I worried whether or not I had truly found myself or if I would ever find myself. Then, I found a tiny line of tiny words strung together in a single line; “You have your whole life to figure it out.”
 

I remembered this as I tried to find who I am. I still haven’t, not truly. But I will carry those words with me in all I do.