Have you ever felt what it's like to be an outsider? Imagine trying to be that smart perfect girl everyday when you don't even know what to do when looking at a simple problem. That is my life and I still continue to struggle with it each and every breath I take. The eyes constantly falling on your friend’s paper to see how your friend scored on the math test everyone finished. I am ashamed and embarrassed every time this happens because, I know deep inside that I didn't do well. I watch as my friends are checking my paper taking points off for each stupid mistake. I don't get it! I worked for hours on end to complete a simple ten problem sheet. The red eyes and tears flowing from my eyes when I realize that I couldn’t do it. It tears me up inside and in the end, I am the harshest critic of myself. Math, is never easy and I will struggle with this for my whole life. It's the fact that I assume I’m not as good as the rest of the students. That's disappointing to me. Many have struggles in school, but Math has been a challenge to overcome in my student life. I am a firm believer that people have weaknesses as well as strengths but I believe, our mission is to make our weaknesses our strengths. This will be my life’s work. To show I can make something extraordinary out of a long endured struggle.
     When growing up, I immediately noticed that school is going to be a struggle for me. I excelled in spelling as well as reading and writing, but when it came to math, I didn’t know what to do. I felt lost, as if I was wondering trying to find a home. The numbers and phrases held no meaning. My optimism for each new day would drain out of me as soon as I dragged myself into the classroom. It started in first grade where I had problems with addition, subtraction, counting in order to a hundred, and worst of all, story problems. When I was assigned a quiz, test, or assignment for something, I doubted myself. I’d fly through problems with my pencil whizzing on the paper having to sharpen it a couple times during the test. But when it came to that one question, I didn’t know it.  I would sit in my seat for fifteen minutes at a time trying to make sense of the problem. I ask my teacher for help but, that only makes me more confused. In the end, I regularly got the problems I struggled with wrong. I will never forget the feeling of sitting at my desk hopeless as I wait for the hour to end. Anytime I studied for a test, no matter how hard I tried, the studying didn’t help because I didn’t get it. After this, Then the panic attacks started. Everyday when I left my house, I had to take medications that coat my pain pulsing stomach in a icy mint layer. The attacks affected my eating and my overall well being at school. I dreaded each day that I had to go to school. Sometimes, I’d fake a stomach ache resulting in me staying home. When I was younger, I wished for invisibility so that the teacher couldn’t see me. I prayed to God everyday and hope that I wasn't selected to answer a question. When chosen, I wanted to melt in my seat. Deep down I knew I would get it wrong and didn’t want to risk my reputation as one of the smarter kids in the class. This happened because I felt different and out of place. In my eyes, I couldn’t measure up to the other student's intelligence. I struggle with easy concepts with my tutor, my aunt being the first to help me. You can see the struggled with confidence and to this day I constantly compare myself to others assuming that I am not the same as them or that they are smarter than me. Although on a daily basis a constant reminder of my differences is there, it doesn’t stop me from trying to give my finest work.
     After I discovered I had a problem, I knew I had to take action to fix it. I started to focus more in class listening intently as the teachers gave in depth instructions. During my free time, I worked to make my weaknesses my strengths by working with my mother and father. By coming home everyday ready to fight the flaming battle I knew was waiting there for me to arrive. Yes, there are attacks and times where I come home, don’t know what to do, and end up crying. Everyone has bumps in life and my road is going to be rocky, but for me victory is sweet in the end. Sometimes I am a little embarrassed to say that I have tutor. I mean, I'm in a place I never thought i’d be. I’m in a honors language art class and none of these kids have tutors! I believed I could and I did. Although I’m not in honors math, that doesn't mean math is something I can't tackle. It means that I need a little more assistance or reassurance than others need and that's fine. At the end of the day, I focus on the fact I am not as clueless as before and have for the most part been successful in math. By pushing myself every year,  I assume one day it will click and I will be closer to normal. Until then, I am going to be me! I started to use techniques to help me calm down and gain back my focus. I started to achieve more victories. With each day, advancing more and made more strides in doing better in every way . I knew this was going to be one of those subjects that I didn’t get! It is going to be a hard battle but, as long as I am willing to fight for it, I will be alright.
     Back in elementary school,  I looked at a math problem and I would be consumed by the fact that I didn’t know the answer. Although I am still worried about that, I have to do what needs to be done to get the problem right. I am starting to not panic as much when I see the tough questions. Learning to take my time and ask for help when I am stuck or need some assistance is key now. I spent my time reviewing homework as if going through it with a fine tooth comb. Making sure how to do the problems and how we ended with that answer. I feel my confidence in math rising with each day. I am not afraid to get an answer wrong anymore because I can learn from my mistakes. Now I can look back on a certain problem and know what I did wrong. Finally learning and for the first time, I feel joyful and content with myself for everything I have achieved. I used to be independent growing up in school but now that's changed. By stepping  out of my imaginary box and asking for help, I'm growing. By doing this, I haven’t had attacks quite as much as last year (but I still have an attack one to three times a week). I Learned to breath and relax whenever a teacher said there would be a quiz coming up is new to me. I will still go home and start studying for it right away instead of waiting until the day before. While in middle school, having accomplished enormous amounts and made what seems like an unimportant flaw stronger than I ever thought possible. I have expanded my comfort zone here and I’m no longer as frightened to answer questions in front of the class, but I am still scared of being called on. If I had never come to middle school, I can't imagine how different my life would be. My life might of snowballed starting as a small problem and resulting in a problem larger than myself. I'd Never be where I am today if I had given up and even though I'm not perfect, I'm okay with that because, the struggle is worth it.
     I have long awaited the day where I would know my times tables, add and subtract perfectly, and be up to my own standards. I have to say, I am finally proud of myself. When the realization struck me that I am different, I realized for the first time in forever that I am actually genuinely proud of what I have accomplished. I made the best I could out of the situation and ended up exceeding beyond my wildest dreams. I have become the person I have wanted to be. Although I still have problems, I will be next to invincible with my new tutor by my side. My confidence has raised sky high to the point where it's as tall as the Empire State Building. Nobody can drag me down! This is what the struggle is about. Overcoming the odds and finding a solution to your problem that works. I have learned that the most important component is to love yourself no matter what happens. You are a unique individual and those qualities you call flaws, are the real you. Trust yourself and don't doubt! You are you because of what happens in your life. No two people are ever the same and I guess we have God to thank for that! I am a determined and dedicated young lady who needs to start believing in herself because no matter how hard it is; I will overcome the odds and succeed. I have finally stepped out of my box, grown a new branch, shed my skin, and stepped out of my shell and man, has that made a difference.