Here at this High School, we offer a lovely setting for your dreams to die in! We are #1 in sports, but it’s also #1 in mental breakdowns per year! Have you ever wanted to pull an all nighter but just couldn’t find a reason to? Well, now you have an excuse, since we make sure you can stay up until the crack of dawn to finish your homework. Wow! As an added bonus, the homework that your teacher will never read and will probably spill their Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes on will count as a whopping 25% of your overall grade! If Marley and Me didn’t make you shed a tear, then constantly checking grades that change more often Kylie Jenner’s face will certainly do the job. For a really good sob, check your grades from the class with the teacher who spends the entire period telling their life story and then testing you on topics that they never taught you.  You’ll want to Whip and Nae Nae yourself right out of a second story window! And don’t forget to check your grades from the teacher who grades your assignments before they’re even complete if you want to cry for even longer than when you finished The Fault in Our Stars. Those grades. You have to love them. 

Can’t afford a trip around the world? Well, look no further, since you can travel between classrooms that are colder than Antarctica and others that are hotter than Mexico in the middle of the summer! Wow, two in one! Prepare to be taken back to your childhood when the stampede that killed Mufasa tramples you in the halls while you’re trying to get to your next class! For horror fans and anyone else looking for a nice scare, try any of our luxurious bathrooms, especially the ones in the locker room. The mold, bugs and even the smell of death itself create an atmosphere that not even the best horror movie can match; and you get to experience the thrills every day! What a bargain! If those don’t give you a nice scare, then you must be tougher than trying to figure out why anyone would marry Honey Boo Boo’s mother!

Ever wished you were in Kindergarten again? Well, now’s your chance, as  as you can play with hula-hoops and run while holding hands in gym class! Anyone who is interested in astronomy can now rejoice, as you can look up and see the stars when you have to wake up at unholy hours to catch the bus! How educational! Those looking for back problems will also find something to love, as they can carry around bags filled with textbooks that weigh more than Peter Griffin! If you’re looking for some disappointment, you’ve found it here! Nothing will make you more miserable than the people you work on group projects with. They’ll offer so much disappointment that we might as well offer an option to contact those people to lower you into your grave so they can let you down one last time!

Can’t afford to go to the gym? Now you can get your daily dose of fitness in by running to all of your classes that are all in different parts of the school! Feel your soul being crushed in new ways as your teachers scream at you for falling asleep in their class after you got three hours of sleep because you were up doing homework! To top it all off, the upperclassmen will hate you more than they hate Iggy Azalea just because you are younger than them! However, none of this matters because the muffins in the cafeteria are the size of Kanye West’s ego and we have tons of school spirit! Go Po!