Sitting on the teeter totter on the first day of kindergarten, I stretched my hands to reach the handle bar. I looked up and smiled as my best friend sat across from me. I continued to go up and back down, up and then back down, always feeling like I could do anything while I was in the air, but knowing I could not be in the air without my best friend on the other side of the teeter totter. We needed each other. I knew I could trust her, and I thought she could trust me. We continued to go up and down, and suddenly I decided to be selfish. I decided to hop off. I let my best friend fall to the ground. If I only had learned my lesson when I had the chance… things would be different.  It takes two people for a teeter totter to work. If one fails, the other gets hurt.

Be careful with what friends you choose because they will fail you… or maybe it is the other way around. Maybe, just maybe, you are the one who fails your friends. What if throughout all these years you were telling yourself a lie? What if it was actually your fault? And what if it is too late to do anything about it now? What would you do if you failed your best friend?

Sitting in the classroom on the first day of 4th grade, my smile stretched across my face from one ear to the other. I had known her since we were little kids, but today was the day my best friend would walk through that door. Today was the day my best friend would sit by my side until the day we graduated. I would be able to do anything because I knew my best friend would be sitting right beside me. We trusted each other. I never thought that one of us would turn out to be selfish. Little did I know that today was actually the start of a beautiful friendship destroyed forever. It takes two people for a friendship to work, if one fails, the other gets hurt.

I always considered myself to be “popular.” I was always a part of that “group.” I had friends who admired me, I was involved in music, I played sports, and even the teachers liked me. Not only did I consider myself to be popular, but I made it my goal. I cared way too much about what other people thought of me. If I was not popular there was nothing else I could be. I could not let someone drag me down, not even my best friend.

Winded by all the jumping we just did on the trampoline, my best friend and I ran inside to get a glass of water. It was a couple days before the start of 4th grade and there was one thing that went through my mind… How was I going to stay popular with her by my side? My best friend brought out the best in me. She always had. We did everything together. If you would have seen us, you would have thought we were sisters. Except for one minor detail... I thought that I was popular and I thought that she was not. I smiled as her light ginger colored hair covered her freckled face. She stared back at me with four eyes and that moment I said the most unintelligent thing you could say to your best friend. This was the start of the beautiful friendship destroyed forever.

“Hey” I said. “I gotta talk to you about something.”

“Yeah?” She answered with her beautiful and innocent smile. I should have stopped right there when I had the chance. But being the young and immature person that I was, I continued. I had my priorities and I knew what I was doing. Thinking about it now, I should have valued the friendship I had, but unfortunately, I did not realize that until it was gone.

“I want to give you some advice for when you come to high school,” I said. “If you want to fit in and if you want to stay friends, you need to be popular, and I can teach you.”

She looked at me for a long time, and finally she answered with her big, bright smile.

“Okay.”

The clock continued to tick and I grew anxious while sitting in my seat. I could hear footsteps pound on the floor as someone walked down the hall. I saw the handle wiggle on the door and my smile grew. Slowly the door opened. She took a step inside. She wore a jean skirt with a flowered green blouse and sandals that were brown, like the color of a grizzly bears fur. Of course I was the one who picked the outfit out for her.  I needed my best friend to have a good first impression when she meant the “popular group”. She walked to the front of the classroom and the teacher asked her to introduce herself. Suddenly, I could hear the quiet laughs and murmurs as the kids began to judge everything about her. I was screaming, but no one could hear me.

“Nooo!” I shouted, but still no one heard me. My best friend did not deserve that. They did not even know her. They were bullies. At least I thought they were the bullies. How could anyone care so little about someone else’s feelings?

The next two years flew by. At first everything was going well. But as time went on, my best friend and I began to recognize our differences. It started simple, with recess. I wanted to be in the gym with the boys, and she wanted to be in the library. This was perfectly fine, until I got jealous. She began to grow closer to another group of friends. She would already have a partner when it came to group projects in class, and she even had her own lunch table. I remember sitting with the “popular group” at lunch, watching her laugh with all of her new friends. I was sitting with all these admired people, but why was I not I happy? I had everything that I had ever wanted, I was popular. I had tons of friends, and the guy I liked even liked me back. But for some reason I still had nothing. I was empty. I was caught up in the world, and I was caught up in my own selfish desires. How could I have forced my friend to be popular? Why would I do that when she was perfect the way she was? How could I care so little about someone else’s feelings?

The teeter totter broke that day. When I jumped off it practically snapped in half.  All it took was one stupid kid to make one stupid mistake. My dad told me that I could not play on it anymore because playing on it would only make it worse. He said that it was far too damaged for it to be fixed. There was nothing I could do except buy a new teeter totter and not make the same mistake again. And as much as I hated to admit it, my dad was right.

I flipped the pages in my book aimlessly as I sat in my chair. I pretended to read, but even my teacher knew that I was not actually reading. I looked at the seat to the right of me, empty. I looked at the seat to the left of me, empty. She was supposed to be my side through graduation. She moved back that year, and it was too late. That is when the appalling thoughts began to drift into my mind. The thoughts piled up like leaves falling off of the trees in the fall season, nearly impossible to get rid of.  “Maddie I don’t want to be popular!” she shouted at me. “Why do you care so much anyways?” I violently began to flip the pages of my book faster and faster. People were staring now. I lunged from my seat and asked if I could use the restroom. I quickly made my way down the hallway and into the girl’s bathroom. “You have never been a good friend to me! So why do you expect to have a good friend in return?”  I wiped the tears from my face and I starred at my reflection in the mirror. “You don’t get it yet do you? You still don’t get it!” “I’m sorry okay!” I yelled back. “Yeah well I’m sorry too.” My reflection starred back at me, but whoever was looking back was a completely different person. I did not even recognize who it was. What I saw was not me. What I saw was a bully. What I saw was a desperate 12 year old girl who took the wrong path. What I saw was a 12 year old girl that had a past that she did not want to remember. What I saw on that day and in that mirror, is not what I see today.
People can change. People do change. I changed. All it took was the right situation. All it took was the right mistake. I did not have many close friends when I started high school. At least not any like her. But I was okay with it. I had to be. I became more independent, it was time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and start learning from my mistakes. And that is exactly what I did. Do I regret what I did? Yes. Do I wish I could change it? No. Everybody makes mistakes. And even though the consequences can be tough and could last a life time, our mistakes create who we are. My mistake has made me the person I am today. My mistake has built my character. I do not care what people think about me anymore. I should not have to change for anyone. Not even to be “popular.” The fear of making that mistake again still lingers inside of me, but I know that I left that person in the mirror.

I fixed the teeter totter that day. It took a while, but I fixed it. It is not the same though; I decided to paint it a different color this time. It still works, but not as well as it used to of course. The teeter totter goes up, and comes back down; up and then back down again. But be sure not to get distracted because you just might fall off, taking the other person with you. Life has its ups and downs. And there are many distractions. Be careful not to lose sight of the things that are truly important, or you might just fall.