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An American Black Girl's Childhood
Life is full of mysteries unknown and unexplainable mostly to humanity. It seems that the world knows these mysteries as time keeps continuing to move forward. Even the animals of the kingdom known also as their eyes look wiser with knowledge and the reason why they seem to understand quickly about everything around them. But why can’t we understand them? Maybe the mysteries are too dangerous to reveal or they are right there, but we lost sight of them. This is what I always seem to think everyday when I have a question in my head about the world.
Even as a little girl I question the world in my head like, “Why the moon was following me.” Some were quite sweet and cute like when I question God in a way and said, “Can I not go to Heaven? I want to be with my family.” Some were also getting complicated and sad like, “Why no one seems to understand me.” The reasons behind my question were to understand things and the people around. However, it seems people around me did not understand me fully it seems. Soon a day came when I got questioned from the counselor.
I remember some of the questions he asks me in the light brown room while sitting in a red chair, but what I most remember about was the questions when he ask what were similar and different between like an orange and an apple. I was a bit confuse about the question I was not complete sure what he meant at the time so I went into detail of how the fruit were alike I said the orange was kind of tasted like an apple . Even when he ask me what was similar about a piano and a guitar I said you have string to press on. During the similar and different question, I can tell that the counselor was getting a little frustrated and confused about my response. I think mostly the reason was because I got most of all the other question right but the similar question and at the time I was really tied tongue so what I said may not have been pronounced correct as he tries to figure what I had I say.
After that day, I went to the hospital where they took my blood to test me to see if there was anything wrong with me by looking at my chromosome. They found a little piece of a chromosome missing in my gene it was so little the doctor said they did not notice at first. They say that missing chromosome might causes an effect on my social, behave, mental, communication and etc. That is when I think that is when I was label as an IEP because of that test. Plus I was already having some of those problems anyway.
At first, being an IEP student did not really bother me. Until my teacher in 4 or 3 grade made me feel kind of stupid. She barely let me do work in class every class assignment she let a student help by putting work in a folder and take it home to do it on my own basically. It was also embarrassing just sitting there doing nothing while everyone was working I begin to felt dumb like Gomez in the story Foul Shots when he got IEP as well the feeling of being label as dumb is not a good feeling for anyone. It feel like everything you do and say sound is dumb even when everyone do the exact thing you do.
That is when I start to try to make myself smarter, but every time I try to I just got the same result a C even when I was not doing any work I got a C in all of my classes. Then one day I was wondering was I getting a grade that I deserve or just getting a grade. I think that is why I started cheating on my spelling test just to see if it was me or her. It works out fine of course when I first started cheating and I continue after everyone praise me on my A+ on the spelling test. Until one day, I got caught during the spelling test. It was unexpected, she just stood up out of her chair and walk over where I was flip the paper over with the written answer, hoping she does not find out, but she did when she flipped over the paper and again the embarrassing arise as I just sit on the chair doing nothing once more.
What happen next my: teacher told my mom about me cheating on my spelling test; my Mom already knew that I was cheating; I guess she was really feeling desperate to have a bumper sticker to say “My child on the honor roll.”; and me being told I have a learning disable ruin that for her and for me as well at least mental. Especially one day when I was alone with the teacher I forgot some of the conversation, but it was about me cheating on the test then it was about my pencil. The day she caught me cheating I had a big pencil that was at least 14 inches tall and 4 inch thick I believe.
Anyway after the conversation about my test she told me I could not bring it to class, but then I said that the other student was able to bring his big pen which was way bigger than mine. She start to stutter and kept on saying “um” Then with a thought from my subconscious mind I think I said “Is it because they are different?” She look to me directly in my face and said “yes they are different”. Up until this very day, I wonder was she a racist toward me. Like the way she said it could have easily been directly about me being the pencil and the white boy was the pen. There was more situation like this, especially from my 3 or 4-grade teacher.
I believe it was close to summer break and everyone was having fun playing games on their last day except me, but soon I was able to get in game call Uno. It was my first time playing that game and never hear of it at the time. During the game: I was about to win I believe; did not know it at the time neither; and was obsessed about winning the game. Then I got kick out of the game, because of a card that had something to do about switching the opponent cards. Everyone was telling me to pick the boy card because he had only one, but I did not. Worry about being tricked in the game I pick someone with more card everyone kept telling me no Ce-Ce. Then the teacher came by and said what wrong, someone said Ce-Ce won’t listen, then she said go to the corner with an anger look on her face. I just sat there playing with my finger. I think about that day and still think it was unnecessary because if she just told me that how play the game by doing that I would of easily switch cards with the white boy.
Now that I think back I remember another time that hurted me in 5 grade I believe in the playground just fooling around with the bridge a girl student in my class say your real name is Ce-Ce I said yes. She was talking to her friend and said “A girl who use to go here her name was Ce-Ce also but she was nicer.” I sometimes wonder about that day as well what she meant by that I never thought of me as bad or mean or anything I thought I was nice. I can still feel that tugging feeling in my heart when she said that and I even question myself and said in my head “Am I a bad person?” I never thought in my head ever in those years in elementary it was because I was black, but I did think at one point it was because I was fat, but I now think it was a little bit of both, but I also think it was something else. I’m still trying to find that answer in my head so far my conclusion is the not knowing both the teacher, the student, and even me.
I thought of this when my mom told me one day in my Freshman year of high that black are the minority in America and by there being so many negative things in the media about us. Many people make a judgment about us because of what they have seen and hear. That is why my mom told me I have to set a good example not just for her, me and my father but the black community as well because people will judge you based on how you act. That is what I plan to do as I continue my journey in life trying to break a long build barrier of stereotype and racism by helping them understand and I hope I be able to do this with my writing one day.