How it Feels to be Confused Me | Teen Ink

How it Feels to be Confused Me

January 29, 2015
By SweetDarkness PLATINUM, Merced, California
SweetDarkness PLATINUM, Merced, California
22 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
"After rain comes a rainbow."
"All we can do is hope for a better tomorrow."
"An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind." -Gandhi
"an illusion can only last so long before it gives up its secrets."


I know my name. I know where I come from. Those aren't things that you really forget.  I just don't quite know where I'm going yet. Or how to get there. Or if I even have somewhere. For all I know, I could die tomorrow and have no future. 

For a while, when I was about 5, I wanted to hit the lotto and have a five story building built to be a shelter for homeless families or people. One floor for women and children, another for families, another for men another for the cafeteria and another for a play area and a common area. I wanted to be the manager of it. Run it. Eventually I realized I wouldn't make money from that and it was pretty near not happening. Once I was 7 I wanted to be a vet. I love dogs. I love animals. Unfortunately I began to find out that I was afraid of many animals; vets don’t only care for cats and dogs. At 10, I decided I wanted to be a writer or a journalist for the military. It has always been my goal to be published. However I fear what I may learn about or see. And those are all of the ones that get murdered because they delve too far for information. At 13, I actually wanted to be in the army. My family actually sat down to talk with me about the severity of my idea at the time. So there went that idea. They put a lot of things in perspective for me. Over time I realized that I would never have gone anyway without the talk. It’s not for me. You see, these are all things I am passionate about. All things that I care about. So since I was 14, I have wanted to be a social worker. Which is the career I believe I will be pursuing. I want to be the change in the system or the change in somebody’s life for the better. I need to make a difference if it’s the last thing I do on earth. But hey, who knows, I may not stick with this idea. I'm just like any other teen. Confused as hell.


I know where I want to go, where I want to be. I want to graduate high school with great grades and some type of chord or honor. After that, I am going to either Milan here in Merced, Avalon School of Massage in Houston, Texas or another school where my best friend goes to college. I don't know.  You know why? Well, because I'm  confused of course. This confusion however is me not knowing where I want to live post high school. I just know that Merced is not the place where I want to start my life. After I get certified though I am going  pursue the massage therapy field, save up the money for two or three tuition payments and go to Texas Southern University.  That's where I want to be.


Where I've been is another place entirely. I was confused when I was in  elementary school. Towards the end of fourth grade I began to find females.. attractive I guess you would say. I realized that this wasn't normal in the fifth grade. I was in the car with relative and they openly voiced their opinion on a  homosexual couple. It was not positive. It had actually made me mad. But I couldn't change it, I already knew I was bisexual so I was pretty much just scared off from telling my family anything. I learned some things were better left as secrets. I didn't really see the need to tell anyone anyway, just the urge to. They  didn't find out for another three years. Guess what I was told once they did find out? I was confused, I didn't know what I was talking about, it's a phase. Guess what I am told now? Nearly five years after their finding out. That I am confused and that it is a phase. I guess I'm not the only confused one because I am not confused about my sexuality. I'm bisexual, I know that. I’m not confused about it anymore.


Where I am, I'm very confused. I know what I want to do.. just not how to make it happen. I’m shooting for a life of independence, so I'm pretty much setting myself up for more confusion in the future. That's  fine though. Confusion is all I know because I fight my way to the answers, taking every  problem headstrong. It may be a challenge to get to the finish, but finish I will. I do not care how confused, lost or forlorn I am or feel. I refuse to be weak. I refuse to be perceived as weak. I will get there. One way or another.


I've always been confused. Mostly because I'm a very indecisive  individual. When I was five I was a little confused on my name; I had just been adopted! I was the happiest a kid could be. I understood what that meant. I was the first adoption of many kids. Ultimately the last. I would write the wrong name on my paper much like the date in January. Anyway, the point is, life has a lot of curve balls, fast balls, and screw drivers. You just gotta know when to come out swinging. You do not know what is being thrown at you, and you never will. Often times loss or failure will deliver you to confusion or confusion will deliver itself to you. But for every question there is an answer. Confusion is only momentary, it is not permanent. You’ll figure it out at some point.

Just keep swinging.


The author's comments:

Initially this was a class assinment for my AP English class. I just liked it so much that I thought I'd post it. 


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