Learning to Be a Lady MAG

By Matthew M., Virginia Beach, VA

      The first time I dressed up as a woman was Halloween. Innocent enough, I suppose - costumes and whatnot. Some people dressed as ogres, the traditional witch, and, as always, multiple poorly imitated Frankensteins. I had made up my mind about a week before a party that I was going to, to be either a woman or Abraham Lincoln, but definitely not both. In the end, because a female friend offered to dress me in women’s clothing with appropriate accoutrement, I swallowed my pride and donned a blouse. Thinking back, that friend might have been some sort of sadist. Anyway, being a woman was actually a lot of fun - excluding the high heels.

Let me put it this way: Girls just have certain things that guys do not. They have this way of talking to each other, of making intense eye contact, smiling with their eyes in addition to their mouths, and touching each other in this gentle way when they speak that makes me envious. I was fortunate to have the help of three enthusiastic females to prepare me for the party, and I watched them exhibiting these unique characteristics while making me beautiful.

One of them brought me a blond wig and a sheer top, which I thought showed off my shoulders well in addition to complementing my masculine frame. By far the most challenging aspect of the transformation was not actually learning to balance in high heels - which, by the way, were pretty darn hot - but learning to do the “hey-check-me-out” walk.

Before that day, I had no idea of the complexity of the female walk. I mean, of course I had noticed how they walk (how could I not), but I didn’t know they actually have a method of moving their bodies so that boys drool and write love poems and get lost in sappy songs on the radio when they are driving alone. As far I can tell, this “hey-check-me-out” walk can be broken down into the following steps:

1. First and foremost, smile.

2. Keep the chin up, butt back, and chest out, but don’t over-exaggerate or you will look like an over-eager porpoise (my first mistake).

3. Pretend you are walking a line. Place one foot directly in front of the other and make sure every step makes your hips sway a little.

4. Be sure that everything is fluid. The idea is not to look like an estrogen-powered robot.

5. And never, under any circumstances, scratch yourself in public (my second mistake).

From what I gathered, those steps are what imbues a girl’s walk with that fabled “feminine mystique,” the secret ingredient that makes bipedal females hip-notizing. (What a horrible pun!)

In all honesty, though, breaking down the walk into its constituent parts will not and cannot endow any given male with the amazingly attractive traits that make girls, well, girls. All that nonsense is decided at conception.

I also noticed as we were driving to the party, as a female, I was compelled to make a great deal more eye contact with the lovely ladies I was talking to. Normally, when in “man mode,” I look at people, but not in the same manner as when wearing high heels - which is to say, when I am acting like a woman. This sort of eye contact is altogether more appealing, I think. It seems more sincere.

When we arrived at the party, I had some trouble walking up the steps in my three-inch heels. I am sure I looked pretty strange, because I kept having to regain my balance by sticking my arms out like an awkward albatross, steadying myself and then adjusting my wig so my hair wasn’t in my mouth and eyes. Needless to say, I got a few stares when I entered (I’m guessing not due to how amazingly good I looked).

To my delight, I also realized why adolescent boys who are altogether stupid and rambunctious get more attention from girls. It is the problem of the “girl amoeba.” You see, when girls are in groups, they pull together much like Cheerios in a nearly empty bowl of milk. Despite the best efforts of menfolk across a thousand generations, this adolescent female amoeba cannot be dispelled. Tragically, it can be distracted, but never destroyed.

This is how it works: Humans are by nature social beings, young girls especially. When a group of female friends are together in a crowded room, they will naturally gravitate toward each other and begin to dance. It’s quite fascinating, really. Most of the time the girl amoeba is absorbed with itself, laughing and moving to the music, faced inward in a circle. The only way boys can get noticed in such situations is when they do something especially stupid, like lighting themselves on fire or dressing like a woman. It really would be advantageous to both sexes if girls would try to mingle a little more and boys would stop acting sophomoric to attract attention.

But such actions are what make life interesting and people versatile. I have found that moving beyond my comfort zone can be disconcerting at times, but often leads to greater insight into others and (via the mirror-like functions of all human interaction) into myself.

Besides, I make one hot lady.



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This article has 51 comments.


i love this so much!

on Nov. 26 2015 at 2:29 pm
ScarletCity PLATINUM, High Ridge, Missouri
41 articles 4 photos 69 comments
Only three inch heel? Man, that's nothing!

on Mar. 20 2014 at 10:51 pm
DramaLlama96 BRONZE, Bainbridge Island, Washington
1 article 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Well I WOULD be using the "Nerds like us" quote by John Green but Teen Ink just can't have that, now can't they?

You do sound like a hot lady! ;)  Wonderful article and I greatly look forward to seeing it in print.

on Feb. 26 2014 at 12:05 pm
Emily Kempfer, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This article is amazingly true. I loved it and you have a very colorful vocabulary which i envy. Thank you for sharing it was very entertaining!

on Jan. 13 2014 at 1:38 pm
danicosta BRONZE, Al-Khobar, Other
4 articles 0 photos 5 comments
Haha! This made my day! Keep up your ingenious sense of humor!

on Sep. 21 2012 at 10:46 am
Misfit95 PLATINUM, Dover, Ohio
26 articles 0 photos 97 comments
This is hilarious--I love it! Have any pictures? I would love to see your costume lol

on Aug. 30 2012 at 8:20 am
KnitsandPurls GOLD, Mahtomedi, Minnesota
13 articles 0 photos 83 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I cannot live without books"
--Thomas Jefferson

You are a hilarious writer! I would love to read more of your stuff. Do you do stand-up comedy? You should, because I know you could be great.

on Apr. 20 2012 at 10:47 pm
otherpoet SILVER, Wayland, Massachusetts
6 articles 9 photos 254 comments

Favorite Quote:
"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." - Audrey Hepburn

This artical kept me hooked from begining to end. I love your style and the words seemed really natural. What a great piece.

KatsK DIAMOND said...
on Mar. 7 2012 at 5:39 pm
KatsK DIAMOND, Saint Paul, Minnesota
57 articles 0 photos 303 comments

Favorite Quote:
Being inexhaustible, life and nature are a constant stimulus for a creative mind.
~Hans Hofmann
You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.
~Ray Bradbury

This is funny and interesting . . . Plus I didn't know the certain way that girls walk -- well, now I know! My cousin used to dress up in my mom's dresses to get allowed entrance to Girl Scouts, which we rather enjoyed :)

on Feb. 14 2012 at 7:27 pm
Volleyballgirl12 BRONZE, Birmingham, Alabama
2 articles 7 photos 26 comments

Favorite Quote:
I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.
Helen Keller

The is really funny and an enjoyable short little read! Great job!

TheGoodTwin said...
on Jan. 23 2012 at 7:47 pm
TheGoodTwin, Fort Mill, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.

--Shakespeare

pics? PLEASE! Sounds pretty.....umm....interesting. I've known a couple of guys who dressed up like girls but it wasn't well executed.

on Jan. 23 2012 at 6:27 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2216 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

I love this :D

on Jan. 23 2012 at 5:34 pm
Rogersright BRONZE, Thomasville, North Carolina
4 articles 1 photo 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned"

lol very funny . more boys need to do this !

on Jan. 23 2012 at 12:39 pm
MakenzieB. SILVER, Apison, Tennessee
5 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be the change you wish to see in the world"~ghandi (and) "No one can make you inferior without your consent"~Eleanor Roosevelt

LOL! Great work and very well written! I suppose it's nice to see how some boys view us ladies. ;) LADIES FOREVER

on Dec. 10 2011 at 9:31 pm
sweetiepye16 BRONZE, Chicago, Illinois
2 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
It only goes up from here.

I loved this so much! It really shows how stepping away from what your used to can open your eyes to new things. But mostly, this is really funny. :)

on Oct. 5 2011 at 4:07 pm
singinginthegardn GOLD, Cowell, Massachusetts
16 articles 2 photos 158 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." ~Anaïs Nin

This is really amusing and, surprisingly, well-written! GO LADIES! <33

on Sep. 26 2011 at 4:32 am
lioness_210 BRONZE, VADODARA, Other
1 article 0 photos 15 comments
hey!! loved ur piece... it also gave me an insight in how a girl can think nd MOVE... although im 1... I rly dont undrstand this girly buisness... 1ce agn gr8 work... ;D

on Sep. 13 2011 at 12:35 pm
Rocinante SILVER, Wexford, Pennsylvania
7 articles 1 photo 386 comments
This is funny! Good job!

on Jul. 31 2011 at 3:52 pm
Eileen Chang BRONZE, Potomac, Maryland
2 articles 4 photos 1 comment
hahaha great essay :) i love the way you incorporated humor into an overall very insightfully written piece. awesome job. 

on Jul. 9 2011 at 9:47 am
dia.dreamer GOLD, Kochi, Other
10 articles 0 photos 145 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." - Michelangelo
"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am, I am, I am." - Sylvia Plath

I loved this! Humourous!! And you were pretty brave to try walking and dressing like a lady in public. I mean it. Keep writing!




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