Nothing better than starting out middle school on a completely different note than intended. Never in a million years did I ever think my life would reach a point where I no longer could take it. After all, I was spending my Thursday night under my covers staring at my laptop screen. Waiting for her to finish typing… Never did I reach a point of withdrawal. Not your usual withdrawal of giving up when all goes wrong, but withdrawal from a friendship.

Waiting for her to finally send a message rips the life out of me. I am so tempted to throw my laptop out the window and scream. Scream as loud as I can to get it all out, I contain myself.
The waiting hadn’t always been this dreadful. At one point I looked forward to all she had to say. Those were the days she locked her ‘real self’ up in a closet.

Long back, before any of the jealousy had struck, I stuck by Jenna.  We weren’t your usual ‘BFFS’; our friendship had more to it than just a necklace with ‘best friends’ as the title. We did everything together; all our weekends were spent with one another. She was always my first choice when it came to anything and I was her number one. That to me was true friendship; the friendship of two naïve kids who still had their whole lives ahead of them.

As our elementary years were on the verge of ending, the middle school years were fast approaching.Summer went by as a breeze although Jenna and I hadn’t spoken a word. It was the lack of communication that drove us apart. After all, we were in two different continents the entire summer. I arrived back to Kuwait on the 28th of August and the next day was orientation. I was your average middle school pre-teen who was clearly eager to commence on a new adventure. The next day, I arrived to school and headed towards my orientation director to receive my schedule.

“Hi, my name’s Malak, can I have a copy of my schedule?”

“Sure Hun.”

My director handed over my schedule, but within the next second I had dropped it on the floor. I looked down to find someone with the same pair of white converses I had. Except, they were black. I bounced back up and right in front of me stood an unfamiliar face. I had no idea who she was but some how, in some way she seemed very familiar.

“Hey, I couldn’t help but notice the kicks. I was going to buy the exact same pair, but I got these ones instead,” I pointed at my shoes and continued. 

“Sorry for talking about shoes before I even got to pick up on your name, I’m Malak, you are?”

“Natalie, and don’t worry a single bit, I can talk about shoes all day erryday.”

It was fate, the same vibe I had felt with Jenna I somehow now felt towards Natalie. We compared our schedules; it turned out we had a bunch of classes together, starting with English class. This was the start of a new friendship, I could feel it.

We socialized during the entire orientation; I didn’t pick up on anything our director had to say. I was so caught up in our conversation; the world around us became a blur.

“So do you know anyone who goes to this school?” I asked.

“No, but hopefully I’ll make friends here.”

“Looks like you’ve already got a friend here,” I winked while nudging her shoulder.

Eventually, the orientation came to an end. We exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes. I headed home knowing that the building in which I acquired knowledge was about to change, but something more than a building was to transform. I was too naïve to notice it.
The next morning, I got up and went to school. A sense of apprehensiveness seemed to follow me around; inhabiting the very little space I had to myself.  I entered through a new gate, through a whole new world. Middle School. On my way into school, I bumped into Jenna.

“OMG MALAK, IT’S BEEN SO LONG I MISS YOU SO MUCH.”

“I do too, glad you’re here,” I said emotionless.

Jenna grabbed on to my arm and dragged me into the courtyard demandingly.

“Malak give me your schedule.”

It fell out of my bag once more, when I bent down I noticed the edges of white on my converses were already a darker color.
“We have English, science, social studies and P.E together – woohoo!”

We jumped up and down for a while with squeals of joy. I squealed, but my insides were crying. It seemed like I was yearning for a change, for a fresh start.

“This year is going to be good.”

RINGGGG… The bell rang, it was time to head to my A period, English. Ms. Mel greeted us, smiling. And Jenna dragged me to the corner of the room. When I tried picking another seat, she forced the seat next to her upon me.

Act chill; she misses you. Her tendency to be glued to each other will wear off. We reflected on our summers for a few minutes before class. My eyes roamed around the room, I noticed Natalie. Quickly but calmly without saying a single word, I moved my bags to the front of the classroom, right next to Natalie.

I ushered for Jenna to follow, but she just raised her eyebrows and grimaced. She put her arms around her waist, but kept her mouth shut as Ms. Mel approached the podium.

“Listen, this isn’t Elementary anymore, it’s getting serious, it will be serious. I need your full attention and respect and you over there,” She pointed at Jenna. “Stop moving around, you are to stay isolated at the back for the next month.”

Yes, Jenna is isolated. Its time you make your move Malak, make a new friend. Make that image of your spontaneous self a reality. I had a good instinct about the seating change, I was pretty excited but the world around me sure wasn’t.

The minute I moved my seat next to Natalie’s, the only reaction I had been getting in return from Jenna were her eyes staring daggers at me.

At the end of the day we were friends. Did I do anything wrong? Why would I get looked down upon, when my only intention was to make a new friend? I didn’t want to exclude Jenna, I was merely eager to expand my social circle. My one aim was to interact with people of a different caliber and experiences.

A month went by and my all white tennis shoes began to fade into the shade of a dusty brown. The white on my shoes faded away, along with a friendship. A friendship, incapable of enduring the test of new friends. Jenna’s tendency to cling on to me was something that accompanied me throughout our earlier years together. It was something I could no longer tolerate, something I wished to break free of.

From that day in class and onwards, my lunchtimes were spent with Natalie. If Jenna couldn’t bear to handle my seating choice, I couldn’t handle her. Anytime Jenna walked by our side, we received the ultimate death glares. She stared deep into our eyes turning us into lifeless corpses in her head. The minute we turned around she turned the other way. The envy lasted for a while, getting worse and worse.

As my shoes got dustier and dustier, Natalie’s temptation to confront me about Jenna became more discernible. She shut up about it from the beginning of the school year, until one day she blew up.

“Omg, I can’t take this creep, is it a sin to hang out together? What’s wrong with her?”

I nodded my head knowing she was my ex-best friend. Whether she even considered me a friend was up to her, but I didn’t have anything against her. Her attitude was just sickening.
Natalie continued, “ I don’t even know who she is, or what her aim is in life, all I know is that when you have a problem with someone you approach them and confront them about it. Malak, I feel like she has a real issue with our friendship.”

My shoulders jerked a couple of times, I knew Jenna very well. If she had a problem, she was going to be very open about it. Why hadn’t she confronted me yet? Confessing every bit of emotion she had about the matter. She was always an open book to me. The more glares I got over the days, the more I convinced myself that yes, Jenna will confront you when the time is right.

Over the days the glares turned into breaths of fury, they raged into something more than a simple facial gesture. She tripped both of us at the cafeteria, “Accidentally.”

As Natalie and I took a fall, it looked like my converses were black, and the black was here to stay.

Jenna looked down upon us as if we were complete dirt. Smirking, she helped us get up.

“Natalie, Malak, I’m so sorry. I was staring out at my pizza and I extended out my leg not noticing your steps.”

Natalie smiled trying to contain herself, “Don’t worry about it, it was nothing.” We walked away and Natalie was fuming.

“I’m done with her, consider me done, Malak.  I shut up about it this time, but I will get the best of her next time.”

“She won’t do anything, I promise.  She probably didn’t mean it,” I said inconfidently.

That night I went home agitated. I opened up my laptop with only pessimistic thoughts in mind. Before I knew it, my phone began vibrating. It was Jenna; I swiped my phone to answer. To my surprise, sobs of sorrow greeted me.

“M…m…alak, Natalie is a big problem. It’s all her fault Malak, it’s her fault we’re not as close as we used to be.”

Unsympathetically, I replied, “Excuse me, don’t go crying to people asking them to feel sorry for you. And no Jenna, its not Natalie’s fault. She didn’t do anything. You’re the problem. You’re unwilling to open up your social circle, and that is the real problem. I’m done with you and your pessimistic attitude, if your not going to change consider me done,” I condemned her. It felt so right, but so wrong.

“Malak, you don’t understand. She stole you away from me, you were everything to me, but I guess not anymore. Stop blaming this on me. I didn’t do anything. I can see you’re done, its no use, I’m done too. Why was I ever friends with you? Thanks for opening up my eyes. It’s over, go enjoy your life with that b****. Go off, live a great life with your new BFF.”

“Listen up, I am not a piece of property, nobody owns me. Second of all, no need for the name-calling. And lastly, you have no right to talk to me in that kind of tone, so bye,” I slammed the phone in her face and hurled it across the room.

I was officially done, done with people, done with trying. I was done with trying to keep it all together because bottling up my emotions sucked. I was done with life. Tears raced down my cheeks, rolling down faster and faster by the second, they continued to flow like a waterfall. I picked up my phone to play stress-relieving music, but instead my phone rang a second time. It was Natalie this time.

“Didn’t I tell you from the very beginning something was up, didn’t I? Please explain to me, why the heck you never clarified that the both of you were best friends?”

“Natalie, you don’t get it, you really don’t. When you came along she seemed to bug me more than ever. I needed some kind of change, some escape from what I had been stuck with for the past five years. I didn’t want to say anything, I tried at one point but I just couldn’t. How’d you even find out?”

“ Malak before she confronted you, she called me. Telling me to leave you alone and that you were hers to keep. Trust me, I was this close to going bonkers, but then she told me she would talk to you. I knew you wouldn’t be too happy, since you had been avoiding it for quite a while. I knew it would be tough on you to have to deal with this. Clearly it is, I’m not blaming you, but I just don’t understand why you didn’t let me know.”

I interrupted her, “I need to go please, I need to go, bye.”

I hung up, and here I am at this very moment screaming all the voice I have left inside of me. The pressure, it’s too much, I can’t handle it anymore. All the love and hate in this world don’t mesh well together. Life is a burden, at least my life was.

Jenna murdered our friendship, through her neediness and acts of jealousy. She brought out the worst in me. She ripped out my insides turning them into nothingness. With the last bit of something in me, I reminisce on the events of Hurricane Katrina.
Katrina is Jenna; Jenna is Katrina I repeat to myself. Katrina is Jenna and Jenna is the hurricane that hit hard. I am the victim and I must make the best out the damage. What is done cannot be undone. Actions can’t be undone. The destroyed houses cannot be rebuilt exactly the way they were. Our friendship will not go back to being the way it was. I didn’t want a three-story mansion after all. I just wanted to be on good terms.

I am attempting to process the effects of a long gone friendship and before I know it a message popped up on my screen. It’s Jenna.
I thought about it long and hard and I know you expected me never to apologize, but here I am saying sorry. I don’t want to lose you but I guess you’re not anyone’s property. And you don’t belong to me. Take care of yourself. I made a big mistake. I missed you, but I just couldn’t express it. I guess I let it out in the wrong ways and I’m sorry. BFFS again? – Jenna.

Reading the message, my cheeks blush a dark red. But there’s no possible way I can go back to being BFFs again after seeing that side of her. My converses are worn out. There is no way any amount of bleach will sparkle them up, no matter how hard I try. Nothing will turn them into their previous pearly white color. Nothing will fade the darkness away. The darkness is here to stay. All I can do right here and right now is do my best to not completely wear out my converses.

Pulling my shoes off, I head to bed. There is no need to type up a reply. My reply next English class will be as straightforward as it can possibly be.

My weekend goes by blissfully. There are five more minutes until homeroom is to begin. Confidently entering the class, I remain standing. Natalie and Jenna are pretty quiet and Jenna seems pretty uncomfortable standing, waiting for Ms. Mel to finally make an announcement.

“Already December? Well, I guess we should change things up a notch to get ready for a new year. All of you go right now without thinking too hard about it, go sit next to someone you wouldn’t normally sit next to, sit next to someone you don’t know very well. Get out of your comfort zone…but quickly I have a lesson to begin”.
Looking over at the other end of the classroom I notice an acquaintance seated all alone. It comes to me as a reflex; I swiftly grab my bags to place them on the seat in the lonely corner.

“Hi, I’m Malak. And you are?”

“ I’m Jenna, and I like making the best out of second chances.”

“ That’s great, hope all goes well.”

Attempting to mend fences, Jenna opens up a topic of conversation. She mentions what she had been doing for the last couple of months.

Where I would have normally tried to get a few words in, I went quiet, knowing that we had grown worlds apart. We have become different people. 

Replying at last, I open up my binder, “Jenna, I want you to know I wish you the best in whatever you hope to pursue. I hope the previous months have been good to you, Ms. Mel’s about to start her lesson so we’ve got to hush up.”