Have you ever had that experience where your world seemed ruined momentarily? Where it seemed like a bomber pilot had just flown over your life and dropped a missile. The ciaos around you seems to melt together like candle wax and drip away. The world becomes unbearably silent. Your heart beat is the only excruciating sound and each second feels like decades. You can feel a piece of your heart break off. Your stomach feels like it just dropped on the Tower of Terror and you don’t know if you should cry or scream. Your lungs seem to disappear and you struggle for air. Your knees feel like jelly and your whole body begins to shake like low blood sugar. The blood running through you veins turns to ice.  You want to move or make a sound or do something but you can’t seem to force yourself to react.

Well that was how I felt when I saw him.

The world abruptly started again like when the power goes back on after a storm. It was like an outlaw show down, waiting to see who would make the first move.

And then all at once like waves hitting a rock, all the feelings came back to me. The longing feeling of wanting to be in his arms again and feel his lips on mine. The tsunami of guilt for doing what I did. The regret in my heart for hurting him.

I wanted to see him smile, but I knew he would never smile for me anymore. I wanted to hear him laugh and joke, but that was something he didn't want to do with me. The pain in his eyes broke my heart into smaller pieces than before.

In that moment I knew I was still in love with him.

In that moment I knew I could never forgive myself for what I had done, and neither could he.