The beginning. | Teen Ink

The beginning.

August 25, 2014
By Anonymous

Today was a big step for me. I told one of my favourite teachers that I suffer anorexia nervosa. And it provoked thoughts about how everything began. This article may be triggering for some people.

I've always been very thin. Through primary school it was acknowledged, but I reached Year 7 (1st of 2nd year of middle school for Americans, I think) and all of a sudden, this phrase is popular: "You're so lucky you're so thin. You're, like, anorexic." Obviously, I denied it. I ate like a horse and I loved every food apart from dried fruits, toast and zucchini. Despite my weight, I was healthy and fit - I was on the swim team and the fencing team, and I played netball. I was only beginning to discover my passion for acting.

Then I hit some obstacles. Somewhere in my subconscious, I started to like the attention people gave me because of my weight. Somewhere in my subconscious, all the 'don't be anorexic' messages our girls school was shoving down our throats made me feel like I could be special - a minority that people would see as different. Being skinny made you loved, pretty and was something to be desired right? That's what everyone had been saying to me. That's what society was saying to me.

I started to skip some meals. Only when I felt fat. I saw my body in a different light now. I physically could not tell how 'fat' or 'thin' I was. I looked 'fat' most of the time. I learnt that most anorexics had a voice in their head (this I was taught in PE) and I soon developed a voice that I had consciously created. It was a voice that I couldn't get rid of. The voice told me that I was fat, and worthless, hopeless, and that no one liked me anyway.

I skipped more and more meals. My stomach would rumble embarrassingly loud in class and my friends would begin to comment on my eating habits. Suddenly it was "You eat, like, nothing. You're, like, anorexic" - a criticism. How very different that was to the anorexia-related compliments I had received earlier.

I decided to get help one day after I managed to successfully purge. It scared me. And I went into my room with a tape measure to measure my wrists, ankles, thighs, calved, upper arms, neck, waist and ribs. I got scared. So very, very terrified that the voice which by then was a constant presence in my life, couldn't reach me. I felt numb and made the decision to tell my mum that I thought I was anorexic. I think this is the bravest decision I have ever made, and one of the bravest decisions someone makes in their life.

My mum was accepting, and obviously a bit scared. I mean, imagine a mother whose daughter was starving herself out of intense self-hatred and need for control. We picked out a therapist and started seeing her in the summer. Her name was Lydia and it is her who saved me. It didn't stop society impacting me though.

Our school's activist group had begun to place posters in the bathrooms. They were based on body image and self worth. 3 were focussed on anorexia. Each poster contained a photo of a highly emaciated person and the writing basically said "Don't be anorexic." Hmm.... Don't be anorexic, but here's a picture of either romanticised eating disorders, or one of a thin model - an admirable person in society. You can only image how many of us at a highly competitive girls school (which are renowned for eating disorders) have looked at those posters for inspiration, as triggers, as we threw up our lunch in the bathrooms. I had my psychologist ring the school to ask that they be taken down.

One moment that really exposed the way many people see anorexia was during swimming in PE. Everyone was (obviously) commenting on my weight, making me uncomfortable about what I saw as my immense weight. One girl said "You're so skinny? Are you anorexic?" Of course I denied it. Another girl chimed in aggressively, yet jokingly "You're anorexic! Eat something!" I answered back with "What if I was anorexic? What would you do then?" And the second girl answered in the same tone "I'd kill you." Of course she was joking, but it still surprised me how easily she could dismiss the presence of such a mental illness in my life.

To conclude, we're presented with a double standard.

Be thin, but don't be anorexic.

We can't comment on how 'fat' someone is, but we can comment on how 'thin' someone is while still remaining socially accpetable.

Many factors can induce anorexia. It is NOT a cause for shame. You live with it, you learn how triggering society can be. And it's a long journey, but some of us get through to the other side and learn how to love ourselves and life once again.


The author's comments:

I aim to raise awareness about the suffering that crushes victims of anorexia on a daily basis by sharing my personal experiences.


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