Standing in a room surrounded by unfamiliar faces hugging me, talking to me, asking how I am holding up. I talk without consciousness. My body and my feelings are numb and all I want to do is go hide in my room and feel the comfort of blankets around me. I stood there alive and talking, yet I felt empty, hopeless and dead.

I couldn’t help but wander around the flowery scented funeral home; as I approached the pitch-black casket I could feel chills in my body and I began to mentally prepare myself to finally say goodbye to my grandma. My heart raced and my stomach dropped when I finally stared at my grandma’s familiar face lying lifeless and cold. I was unable to catch my breath and had the feeling I was suffocating, as if my lungs had collapsed inside of me. My life stopped and I just stared in shock and my reality began to set in as I dropped to my knees with a thud and cried. Waterfalls of tears poured out of my eyes as I sat in front of the casket and began reminiscing old memories; remembering the smell of her kitchen when she made her famous apple pancakes, remembering our trips to her favorite store Butera, remembering the hugs where I would rest my chin perfectly on her head.

I didn’t realize where I was until a rather tall, strong, lilac scented woman carried me into another bright-lighted room. Not until my eyes adjusted did I realize it was my aunt. She talked in a low soft voice, almost like a whisper and said, “It’s okay to cry; I will be here to hold you.” And in that moment I felt all my walls tumble down and I cried until I was physically exhausted; I cried until I felt no more tears existed; I cried until I knew everything would be okay.