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I Don't Want This Life

Who said I wanted this life? Who said that I had to watch you give up on me? I know I never did! If this is only the beginning, I don’t want to stay and watch how it ends. I don’t need that pain. I need people I can trust and rely on. And that description does not fit you. If this is the life I have to lead so be it. But don’t you ever think you can ever have a part in it. Yes, it hurts me but at the very least you have taught me not to be someone like you…a mother like you. You give up on me and then you contact me years later. That is not okay. You left me. And with that choice you gave up the right of being in my life. EVER! Yes, I love you, but telling you that would be my biggest mistake and I am not willing to commit that. With the choice you made, gives me the right to say I will never forget this. You have cost me so, so, so much. I can not…will not let you ever influence me again. I can’t. I would rather die. I would die if I allowed you that right. You have hurt me beyond repair. There is no chance if mending me. There will never be a mother-daughter relationship again. You lost that. I have other female that are willing to take that spot. And honestly I don’t know if I can ever have the trust to let another woman be like a mother. But if I did they would be and are a better mother then you will ever be or have ever been. I can not condone. I’ll be the first to admit I made mistakes….lots of them….but you should have been the kind of mother I so desperately needed and wanted. That I still so desperately need and want. But because of you I might never have that chance!!! Why did you deny me that? WHY? Why? Why? I would give anything to have a mother in my life. I wanted you and you refused me. I don’t know if I could ever trust another woman to fill that emptiness inside of me because of the mistrust and hurt you have caused me. Sometimes I question why I should even fight anymore. EVERYONE I so dearly cared for and trusted have left me. It is not worth the hurt. Why did you not stop the pattern? You were my mother. As my mother were you not supposed to love me, to cherish me and lead me in the right direction? Or does that not come with motherhood. What kind of mother gives up on their child? Oh wait…..one like you!!!!!!!!!!



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