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The Hardest Thing to Deal With

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I believe that we all have something crazy that we have to deal with. To some it may be something small, but to others it may be something huge. For me this is something huge and I have never had the guts to right about it. But then I thought to myself that there is nothing bad about writing about how I feel or my hardships because I never know that someone could be going through the same thing as me. Sometimes I can wake up with a smile on my face and then by the end of the day I can just be sad. People would ask me if I wanted to talk about it, but I thought what was that going to do. I talk and talk and talk it never gets any easier. Maybe it does and I just don’t see it.

But I figured out that the one thing that is hard for me to deal with is the fact that my father is in jail. I’m 18 now and I thought it was something that I could be over now, or as time went on to be used to it. But then I thought everyone handles things differently. And for me it still isn’t easy. It’s horrible for me because I hardly have any memories of my dad and I spending any time together. It is hard to live day in and day out knowing that someone you really care about is so far away from you. It’s hard because you can’t share the important things that a parent is supposed to be there to witness as you get older. My dad missed me going to my first Homecoming dance. He missed me going to Prom. He missed me graduating. And to me most importantly he missed my 18th birthday.

I try to cherish every minute I can with my dad when I go see him. It sucks though because I have to sit in a huge room with everyone else and I thought to myself that it shouldn’t even be this way in the first place. I always looked at my dad as my rock. I can talk to him and tell him anything and he is always on my side. But now I’m just at a loss of words and everything else. I mean I love the phone calls that I get from him, the letters, and the cards, but to me now that is just not enough. It’s horrible because I feel like my father should be here with me! My worst fear is that one day I am going to get a call saying that my father died! I don’t know what I would do if that happens.

To this day, I cry because he doesn’t call and when he doesn’t I think the worst. I think he is sick and can’t get to a phone. I think he is in solitary confinement because he fights a lot. Or like I said before he is dead. I hate that I was born into this. I know it is something I can’t fix and that my father made the decision that he made. It makes me angry though because I feel like he didn’t really care about me because if he did then he would be here with me right now and I would have to be writing this. I find myself yelling at him when he calls, and then I feel guilty doing it because it doesn’t make the situation any better. It hurts me heart. I don’t know what to do!... Part me thinks that he doesn’t understand how bad he hurt me…. At a loss…




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