What Goes On In My Mind

March 29, 2013
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There are a lot of things people don’t know. Just because I am young, I should be happy. Just because I am young, I can’t be stressed out because I don’t have anything to be stressed out about. People think they know me because I am young, but in reality they don’t know the first thing that goes on inside my head. So this is me putting it all out there. I fight with myself first off. I go through life not knowing if I am good enough for anything. I don’t know where I belong and where I’m going. So yes I fight with myself with that. I’m saying to myself out loud that I am good enough to do anything, but then there is that voice inside my head telling me that I’m not working hard enough and I’m not doing all that I need to and I’m not going to amount to anything. For me it is a constant struggle to keep my head where it needs to be. Yes there are times where I fall off and it is hard for me to pull myself back up, but I do it because I have to. I try to work on it and I try to tell that voice in my head to shut up but it won’t. I struggle with the fact that I am different. I know I’m different and I’m okay with that, but in a way I’m not. I’m not okay with it because it’s hard to fins exception because of who I am and the things I like. I love reading and rock music. I love dancing and watching sappy soppy romance movies. I love writing and giving people hope and love. Giving people things they never thought they could have. I have a different kind of love . Being in elementary and middle school, people didn’t understand who I was. I was told I was weird, a freak, stupid, worthless, and for a minute I was believing them. I started to try and change myself. It made me crazy. I was suffering from a craziness I never told anyone about. How do I be comfortable with who I am if I can’t get people to see me for me. It sucked and it still sucks but I fight it. The last thing I struggle with and this is something big, is making myself happy. I’m the type of person who is a family person. I always have to make my mom and the rest of my family proud of me. I have to say the right things, listen to the right type of music, like the right people, have the right friends, and just be how they want me to be. If I wasn’t doing the right thing then that is when I came in with the self- defeating. I stopped trying to be who I wanted to be to be how they want me to be, and I was miserable. I had to be the person everyone envisioned,and I couldn’t take it. There are a lot of things I still struggle with. And they are things I have been struggling with for a really long time. Through my life I have figured out the kind of person that I am and the people I need to surround myself with. I figured out things I want to do in life and places where I want to go. At the end of the day everyone is different and people have their own minds. You don’t always no people’s struggles and what goes on in their world. Before you judge and start talking about people, get to know them on a friendly level and ask them what they struggle with. It will help them more than you know. I only ask one thing for all of you. If there is something you struggle with and you need someone to talk to I will be here! I know most of you don’t know me, but I am a genuine person who cares and puts others before myself. I will stop whatever I am doing to talk to whoever needs talking to. Just have a little faith that whatever you struggle with, we will get through together.

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Deej6595 said...
Nov. 16, 2013 at 9:20 pm
Thank you. I feel like you struggled with the same things I did. You are doing a good job to change your life and so am I. So good luck!
deaIsBored said...
Apr. 8, 2013 at 4:45 am
amazing-amazing words! sometimes i need people to talk to and understand me. it's like carry myself world above on my shoulder. when i read your post, i feel like iam not the one and only to feel that way :') it's made my week
Believer17 replied...
Apr. 19, 2013 at 4:40 pm
Thank you! I feel the same way. Like everyone is always on my back telling me what I have to do for them and stuff and then I just end up carrying the world on my shoulders. But we are strong enough to push through it because you and I are awesome enough to do it!
SaphiraBrightscales This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 4, 2013 at 11:28 pm
This was beautiful!
Believer17 replied...
Apr. 19, 2013 at 4:39 pm
Thank you! I just felt like  it was something that I had to write. I have struggles that I'm trying to deal with. Then I have to think that it is okay to be who you are no matter who likes it or not because at the end of the day they are ones that are missing out 
SaphiraBrightscales This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 4, 2013 at 11:26 pm
As I was reading it, before I was even half-way through I thought "Hey, DOn't you feel that way all the time?? ISn't that almost exactly your own story?? Haven't you had ALL those exact same struggles?? "" Because Yes, I feel much the same. I felt like someone had written my heart out here  because everything in on there is pretty much my story too.... I'm so glad you put it here.. Being different can be SO taxy sometimes, and always coming on top of everyone&... (more »)
Believer17 replied...
Apr. 19, 2013 at 4:37 pm
It's still struggles that I go through. Some times I wake up and i just have this yucky feeling. But then I have to remember that I am my own person and I have my own type of awesomeness that I have to embrace
SaphiraBrightscales This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 21, 2013 at 11:32 am
You're welcome! And it's true we can't escape such feelings but I guess when God gives us these troubles he also gives us the strength to deal with them... :D Keep writing... By the way,,...did you change your username or something?
Makala said...
Apr. 4, 2013 at 7:25 pm
My first impression was that this was going to be a really long story because it was all one big paragraph. But the story was great. It expressed feelings that everyone feels at one time or another. I actually suffer from depression and anxiety. The thoughts and emotions that are in your writing are thoughts and emotions that I deal with every single day.
Believer17 replied...
Apr. 19, 2013 at 4:35 pm
I just wanted people to know that I go through things just like everyone. Some times I get really depressed but then I have to understand that I am who I am and it is okay and I shouldnt have to change it
Makala replied...
Apr. 19, 2013 at 6:31 pm
I definetely understand. You kinda have to learn to deal with it and move on. It is sad but true. Everyday is a new day and marks the beginning of something new. :)
Believer17 replied...
Apr. 19, 2013 at 7:37 pm
Yeah it is hard, but Im learning how to deal with it. Im just taking my life day by day and remembering that i am not the only one going through this. At the end we are all born and bred fighters who are awesome! :)
billgamesh11 said...
Apr. 4, 2013 at 7:12 pm
Omg! As I was reading this, I thought that I was the one who wrote it, because all the emotions you describe in this article are exactly mine and exactly how I put them into words. This was just so spot-on and I'm so so so glad that I'm not the only one feeling this way because I seriously thought I was crazy or on my way to be crazy because I didn't know anyone else going through the same internal struggles I was. I mean, of course I don't want anyone to feel this way, it's ... (more »)
Believer17 replied...
Apr. 19, 2013 at 4:33 pm
Thank you! I just want people to know that we all have struggles and I dont think anyone should have to go through stuff like this on their own
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