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Dumbstruck


“So...” he said letting the word linger. “Do you want to go out?” I knew this was going to happen but now it seems unreal. “Sure” felt so happy and nervous, a simple four letter word sounded like twelve. We sat here in my room with the window open allowing the cold air to join us. “Well I have to go, so I’ll message you when I get home.” Then he got out on the roof and I went to the window and gave him a kiss.
We talked every day from after school until eleven at night or until we fell asleep. He would often come to my roof and we would sit in bed, enjoying each other’s company. Our daily chats. All the moments we shared. Knowing that someone would cry if I’m gone, it was all just enchanting. Now sometimes I sit on my roof and think about him. How he would climb up to my roof to see me. It wasn’t all that easy because there was a fence and a garage to scale. Neither of our parents knew about this so we had to be very careful.

I often think about how we used to sit on the blue steps where he used to skate. We were sitting there and I was playing All Around Me by Flyleaf, he had told me that, that song reminded him of me. And then….he kissed me. It was so sweet and just amazing and pretty much perfect. In fact he was my first kiss, first boyfriend, and first love. That sounds cheesy but it’s true.

Ugh, I am so dumbstruck. I never thought this could happen, with him. It is just unbelievable. But it’s true, he is all mine and mine alone. The moments we shared may have been short but there in that moment it felt like it could last forever. There in the cold in the warmth of each other’s arms, where I felt like infinity. The look in his eyes, the smile on his face, the thumping of his heart, and his warm embrace. It’s all I ever wanted, yet I let it run away. How foolish of me to do that! Just with a simple conversation it all vanished in an instant. With a simple conversation.

Me; Out of all honesty how would u feel if I broke up with u at this moment
Him; I wouldn’t be mad at all cause I was just about to ask u the same question
Me; lol wow
Him; yea, I just don’t know how to say it but I just don’t feel love for u anymore we are more like best friends or something like that
Me; Oh so u felt love for me because I did really
Him; well yea but not no more. and WOW -__- why aint u tell me?
Me; Cause I felt like I could end up really loveing u
Him; well I guess it didn’t end up like we wanted it to. Do you want to just break up?
Me; Sure cause I think u just rushed into it like I really don’t want to but since u don’t feel anything anymore than yea
Him; ok than no hard feelings
Me; wonder what Nana (My best friend) going to say when I tell her we broke up
Him; idk
Me; So wyd?
Him; just still listening to music u?
Me; Bored listening to Nana complain about us braking up
Him; what she saying?

For a moment I thought. I thought I began to know what love was. Then reality came and kicked me in the face. I now know the truth. Although it hurt it was better to know then to keep living with a lie. Now when I look into his eyes I see love. Love that is not for me, but for my best friend. The way they look at each other brings a mixture of joy and pain. It hurts to know that he loves her, I am happy for the both of them. I can’t deny that they are perfect for each other but it still hurts like crazy. I now know that love is a cruel joke that life likes to play.



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pulledheartstring said...
Mar. 24, 2013 at 6:40 pm:
My favorite part was where you described feeling like infinity, in his eyes, the thumping of his heart, etc.
 
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