February 6, 2013
Dear Simran,

Everyday at 10:14 I walk into science and I see you, swaying slightly, a crazed look in your eye, muttering to yourself. It’s probably Kanye West, clean version and all. One thing I’d never thought I’d tell you is yes, “Heartless” is actually a very catchy song and it’s semi-growing on me...but seriously bro, one Taylor Swift lyric and you go into full blown ‘Taylor sucks! Go Kanye!’ I hope you will find, after this letter, that you should join the Community Blueberry Bowl (I’m president), and SERIOUSLY BRO, STOP LISTENING TO KANYE WEST!

As I have often told you before, (to no avail, I might add) music affects your personality. (Your mental state too, I might add.) How can you listen to ‘clean’ (and by ‘clean’ that means bleeped out versions full of pauses, I might add) versions of his songs knowing what’s really there instead of long silences? That’s not exactly ‘clean.’ You’re pumping your head full of swear words unsaid. ‘No!’ you say? ‘I’m fine.’ ? Girl please, look at yourself. Every waking moment I hang out with you, you’re rapping and acting like you’re from the hood. You look up gang signs on Yahoo. You have “hobo bonfires.” You fantasize about killing cats and ROASTING them on a bonfire. You act like you’re high, or drunk, and you LAUGH when you tell me that Mr. Edwards, your PE teacher, thinks that you got an extra bag of cocaine under your tree for Christmas. You’re so messed up your Christmas tree fell on you because you tried to put it up on Thanksgiving. Tell me bro, is there anything wrong with you now?

Music is a powerful tool. It can influence people on the sly. It’s sneaky and tricky. Heck, music can be the devil himself. He will control the way you view the world. And frankly man, all you see are heartless cats and hobos in Paris. Not to mention, you influence other people. (Read: me.) I’m weird and I blame it on you. Thanks to you, I can now sign Blood, Crips, West Side, Victory, etc. (End of Thinking Capacity.) Do you want me to be a severely messed up individual who will be checked into a mental institution in ten years? Do you want me to look just as crazy as you do? Do you want me to lose my individual-Taylor Swift-pink loving persona because all I think about are the lyrics “How could you be so heartless?!” and “Do you even remember what the issue is? You just tryna find where the tissue is.” Do you want me to go around screaming “SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE!” Do you? Do you?

Finally, my dear friend, (or, might I add, hobo terrorizer/cat roaster-killer) music changes the way you interact with the world. Uh huh. So, drawing gang signs (or just researching them on the internet) is definitely going to freak out any potential friends/boyfriends (yeah right)/employers. Dude, you’d probably get fired if you got caught looking up the Crips sign on Yahoo. And when you bounce and mutter to yourself, you look high. Dude, people will think you’re hung over and you’d probably be fired. (Although, with the labor laws these days, maybe not, but still.) You talk ghetto. “Them peanuts be bonding” ? THEM?! It’s the and are. Hate to break it to you, but in this world, professionalism is everything, and you’d probably not even be considered for the job. And in all honesty, the last thing I want is for you to be living in my house stealing all my cupcakes and chasing me with knives and always hating on Taylor Swift. Not to mention the weird tofu pizzas and squishy tomatoes you cook up. I know you’re probably thinking “This is who I am! HATER! I’M DIFFERENT YEAH I’M DIFFERENT!” I know this is you and that’s why you’re so awesome to be around but STOP LISTENING TO KANYE WEST! I’m just trying to watch out for you. (And protect myself from knives and tofu pizza.) Professionalism, professionalism, professionalism.

Oh Simran, I sincerely hope my letter finds you rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably. But seriously bro, STOP LISTENING TO KANYE WEST! Because you listen to him, you’re ghetto. (Small Man thinks you’re African American! My mom is concerned.) You look up gang signs. You draw gang signs. You do gang signs with your hands. You rap to yourself. You sway with a crazed look in your eye. For your own mental health, (and for mine too), STOP LISTENING TO KANYE WEST!

These are the words I held back, but please take my advice,
(And if you don’t, you’ll have lost your soul, how could you be so heartless? I am not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on other’s preferences, but this is INTERVENTION. These things will change.)

Marissa W.

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