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Tough Love This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

By , Floresville, TX
I was called next. My heart was pounding and I could feel sweat dripping down my neck. Suddenly I could barely breathe. I knew what was coming, and I didn't know what to do once the cat was out the bag. I knew that my parents would be furious; hell, I was furious with myself.

Looking back, it's hard to explain how I could have been so reckless and so in denial. I think it was denial that got me into this situation. How could I have been so naive to think that it couldn't happen to me? I was so caught up in love that I didn't think. Then, before I knew it, I had been hiding my secret for months.

Silly girl.

Silly, silly, reckless girl.

I should have told my parents instead of denying and delaying for so long. But oddly, as time went on I became more comfortable with the thought of it actually happening.

I started having these daydreams that I was holding her in my arms and she would grab my finger with her delicate little hand.

Silly girl.

Silly, ridiculous girl.

You're the most naive girl in the world.

•••

I knew she was a girl. I would have dreams that she was in my arms asleep and I'd kiss her soft baby cheek. And when I pictured her growing up, I saw a girl laughing with that beautiful smile I always imagined. I knew she was a girl; my heart told me so. All I wanted was to see her and hold her.

I was in my fifth month when I told my boyfriend. He wanted me to have an abortion. That's when things went downhill. And they just kept going down from there.

Stupid, silly, reckless, naive girl.

•••

I was called next. My step-mother was sitting next to me, and I was next.

I wanted to bolt out the door and never look back. But I got up and walked into the room full of needles and vials that would turn to test results. I knew I was six months pregnant, but my heart wouldn't let me say it. It's not like we were living in the 1800s, when having a baby at 15 was normal and the mother would already be married and considered an adult. No, this was now, and it's shameful to have a baby at my age. People might think it's our parents' fault, but really there's no one to blame but me and the father. I learned that, but still other people don't see it that way.

•••

Of course, my results came back positive.

I knew my life as I knew it would be over, but part of me didn't care. I wanted to love my baby girl like no mother had ever loved a child. Except I didn't have a plan, only that I'd get a job and everything would be hard but I knew it would get better.

That's the crazy part.

Silly me. Silly, naive girl.

•••

There isn't a happy ending for me. Everything I had imagined was a fantasy. My boyfriend broke up with me when things got tough. I knew then that he was nothing but a coward. My step-mother disowned me. My father couldn't even look at me. My brother wouldn't look at me ­either.

I was alone. I wanted so badly to be strong, but no one can make it in this world without help, especially not a pregnant teen. I dropped out of school. My step-mother abused me physically and emotionally. I wanted to die, but I just kept thinking of my baby girl, who I wanted to meet so badly. Every night I drowned myself in an ocean of tears.

•••

It killed me, the thought. I had no one; no one was stepping up for me. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes, except I didn't call her a ­mistake, but everyone else did.

Why didn't anyone help me? What could a girl like me do with no support? This was the most important decision of my life, and I knew that I could never turn back once I made it.

I gave her up, my little princess. I had to face the fact that I couldn't take care of her. But I hated the thought of anyone else doing it. I wanted so badly to hold her in my arms, like I did in my dreams. But if she stayed with me, she wouldn't have anything. I knew I couldn't do it.

I worried that when she grew up my baby girl would label me a terrible mother who couldn't take care of her. I was afraid she would think I gave her up because she wasn't good enough.

I did everything I could for her though. I made sure she wouldn't have to go through the system; she would have one home, one family. I wanted the best for her, and that was the best I could do at the time, no matter what anyone thinks.

Believe me, if it could have gone any other way, I'd have held her in my arms and never let go.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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packerbacker12This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Feb. 11, 2013 at 9:02 pm
i'm very sorry
 
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