Memories linger. The good ones never seem to stick around for quite as long, but when they do… It’s for the wrong reasons. The bad ones however; they linger for quite some time. You think you have them tucked neatly away in the back file of your mind. Some days, you pull them out on your own just to think about when all you’ve survived. Other days, it’s like a tornado has flown through you, leaving all of those memories scattered and as you pick up those pieces, as you pick up that mess you’re forced to relive each minute, each second of those nightmares.

I find the tornados come around a time when you’re happy. Truly, blissfully happy! Something someone like me never really dreamed possible. So, as usual, my brain tries to fix that. An impossible situation must be made into a possible one. The tornado flies through. And I relive each excruciatingly painful blow. I relive the fists and the words and the threats and the actions. Over and over. They never seem to stop!

There are nights I turn off my lights for bed and tears stream down my face for unknown reasons. My emotions overload and I break, crying and sobbing for hours on end into my poor, old pillows. I cry until my eyes run dry. I cry until I can no longer breathe. I cry until I can no longer stay awake. Oh, but then I dream, no, not dream – I have the nightmares. I can never get away. Those memories will forever haunt my restless soul.

I will always remember those times he hit me. I will always remember those words he spoke, whether full of venom or coated in sugar. I will always remember those bruises. I will always remember that fear. I will always remember that feeling of helplessness. Of weakness! I will always remember the lies I told to cover for him. I will always remember that I wasn’t good enough. I will always remember the name calling. I will always remember the yelling. I will always remember the abuse.

No matter how hard I try to forget… I will always remember those lingering memories.