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Always. Always. Always.

Why does it still hurt?
Shouldn’t it go away?
Now?
Ever?

It’s so easy to get tired of reaching out, and of being the ONLY ONE to do the reaching. Why do I care more? Always. Always. Always.
It isn’t fair. Is there something wrong with me? Something vitally flawed? Broken? Unfixable?
It’s not like I need them to care. I don’t need that like a need food, water, air. Then why am I starving, dehydrating, suffocating? And why do I still care so much? More. More then they ever will. Always. Always. Always. I just want it to stop. It isn’t fair.

I get excited when they do anything. Even a small thing. A meaningless thing. Something I should know, should KNOW is not important and will not last and will only hurt me twice as much later.
I still get excited when they do anything. And why? Why, I will never know. But I will care. Always. Always. Always.

Sometimes I wish that love were a switch. Just a
click
and all of the burning, eroding emotion could melt away into the earth. Like a rain. Or maybe that’s tears. But tears can’t erase the pain. The want. The wanting not to want so much. The trying so hard not to try. But, oh, I try. Always. Always. Always.

Is it possible…possible to be unable to move on? To be STUCK. To have EMOTIONS that cling to your skin like a hot vapor, that cloud your vision and stifle your breath, that slowly asphyxiate you in a torrent of sweet, sad moments that invade your mind. A cloud of oppressive chaos. Is it possible?

It still hurts, and maybe it always will. Maybe I will never change and they will never change and everything will be stuck this way forever. Maybe I will always care and they will never care as much and maybe that is just how it is. And does it even matter how I think it SHOULD be? Nothing is perfect, no, nothing is perfect. Certainly not me. Not this. Not us. But nothing is perfect, no, nothing at all.

I want something better. If only for a day. But I fear it doesn’t exist, just as so many other things like the tooth fairy and happily-ever-afters don’t. Exist. At least not that I can see. And I do CARE so much about them. So much, even though it hurts every day and every time I reach and nothing is there.
I so very need something better. I’m so tired of chasing a ghost. Of loving a phantom. Of caring for something invisible more than I care for myself.

I will find something better. I will look and keep looking even if everyone I learn to care about ends up like them. I will keep looking. Always. Always. Always.



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Basya44 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:41 am
I love how it ends with a hopeful resolution. And I love how emotionally attached you are. It's really healthy. Feelings are always better than numbness. Enthralling.
 
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