Always. Always. Always.

Why does it still hurt?
Shouldn’t it go away?

It’s so easy to get tired of reaching out, and of being the ONLY ONE to do the reaching. Why do I care more? Always. Always. Always.
It isn’t fair. Is there something wrong with me? Something vitally flawed? Broken? Unfixable?
It’s not like I need them to care. I don’t need that like a need food, water, air. Then why am I starving, dehydrating, suffocating? And why do I still care so much? More. More then they ever will. Always. Always. Always. I just want it to stop. It isn’t fair.

I get excited when they do anything. Even a small thing. A meaningless thing. Something I should know, should KNOW is not important and will not last and will only hurt me twice as much later.
I still get excited when they do anything. And why? Why, I will never know. But I will care. Always. Always. Always.

Sometimes I wish that love were a switch. Just a
and all of the burning, eroding emotion could melt away into the earth. Like a rain. Or maybe that’s tears. But tears can’t erase the pain. The want. The wanting not to want so much. The trying so hard not to try. But, oh, I try. Always. Always. Always.

Is it possible…possible to be unable to move on? To be STUCK. To have EMOTIONS that cling to your skin like a hot vapor, that cloud your vision and stifle your breath, that slowly asphyxiate you in a torrent of sweet, sad moments that invade your mind. A cloud of oppressive chaos. Is it possible?

It still hurts, and maybe it always will. Maybe I will never change and they will never change and everything will be stuck this way forever. Maybe I will always care and they will never care as much and maybe that is just how it is. And does it even matter how I think it SHOULD be? Nothing is perfect, no, nothing is perfect. Certainly not me. Not this. Not us. But nothing is perfect, no, nothing at all.

I want something better. If only for a day. But I fear it doesn’t exist, just as so many other things like the tooth fairy and happily-ever-afters don’t. Exist. At least not that I can see. And I do CARE so much about them. So much, even though it hurts every day and every time I reach and nothing is there.
I so very need something better. I’m so tired of chasing a ghost. Of loving a phantom. Of caring for something invisible more than I care for myself.

I will find something better. I will look and keep looking even if everyone I learn to care about ends up like them. I will keep looking. Always. Always. Always.

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Basya44 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:41 am
I love how it ends with a hopeful resolution. And I love how emotionally attached you are. It's really healthy. Feelings are always better than numbness. Enthralling.
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