Find My Light

December 10, 2012
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It really doesn’t take much.
It can come from a comment, an image, even a whisper from my mind.
It doesn’t take much for me to come undone.
I will be smiling one moment, eyes disappearing under my crinkles, lips upturned into a goofy grin. But with a sudden change of heart, my smile will fade away. There’s a sharp twisting in my heart, and I feel it fall into my stomach, and its racing and pounding and now I just feel like an absolute mess.
I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
I’m overwhelmed with an impulse to just hide away. Pull the covers of time over my head, and turn back the clock to when I didn’t feel like this. When I was innocent, and pure, and knew nothing of self-hatred. But I can’t. I can’t change time, so I just stand there and close my eyes and feel the tears well up behind my eyelids and curl my hands into fists. I stand there and let the waves of regret and loathing wash over me.
When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.
I can’t bear to open my eyes again. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces of myself after I’ve fallen apart. I just want someone to envelope me in their arms, and smooth my hair, and wipe the tears from my cheeks, and shush all my insecurities, and tell me that everything will be okay-that I will be okay- over and over again. When I finally open my eyes again, I don’t see anyone there for me. But it takes a moment for that to register, so I don’t move and blink a couple times. When I realize that no one is there for me, when I become aware of my aloneness, I close my eyes again. I stand there in disappointment and loneliness up to my neck. I can’t help but think how I’ve let everyone down. How I’ve let myself down. How I could ever stand in front of anyone. How anyone could find worth in me. Find light in me.

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RosieB. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 23, 2012 at 2:35 am
I'm so glad you could relate to this and took the time to give me your feedback. It means the world to me (:
Vitros said...
Dec. 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm
This is beautiful writing.  I feel similarly, especially with college apps and such making me question who I have been.  The words to capture this despair never came.  The essence of the sudden shift in thought, of the fall from curiosity and confidence into despondence elluded me.  Thank you for writing this.  
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