When I wake up some mornings, I just don't want to move. It's ridiculous really, how often it tends to happen. It's not just because I'm tired. It's because I feel like there's nothing to live for.

I get up and get dressed, avoiding my family. Chipper, happy people tend to annoy me till I can get in a cooperative mindset for the day. I fix my hair in a mirror, grimacing at the colors on my shirt. I wish Mom would let me go goth, but it's not going to happen so, I bear it.

The sinking feeling creeps in on me. It's a little early for that feeling. Like I'm being swallowed, or like I'm falling from a cliff. I usually get it when I get to third period. I don't know why. My brain's just weird like that.

When I get to school, I put on my normal, "nothing to see here, move along" mask. You know the type. Happy, bubbly. But inside, I'm fighting it. I'm trying to ignore the rainy sky, because it triggers my depression.

I didn't know I had this till a year ago. I told my Mom about what I was feeling, and she said it was hereditary. She had it, her mother had it and Grandma Margaret had it when she was alive too. She said she was sorry I had it too, but we both knew there was nothing we could do about it. Really, I was kind of relieved. I wasn't crazy. We were pretty sure it was just bad genetics. Thank God, I'm crazy enough without another thing.

On the bus ride home, I stare at the fall trees with no leaves, trying not to think of it as death. It's better in the summer, but still, I see it as it will die eventually, which leads me to the fact we all die sometime.

I guess, in a way, I am living a lie. It's annoying. If I let my guard down, I break down, and people ask questions. They ask, "Are you prone to depression?"
Plead the fifth. I don't want people to know. It's too embarrassing.

I'm learning to control it, but it's still rough. One of my teachers knows and checks on me, so he's helping too. I try to stay away from dark colors, I close the blinds on dreary days, and I have an evergreen near my window. But, when winter comes near, I always feel my chest start to lock up and my mind slows down. Summer rains, nasty exes are also triggers, but sometimes you just can't avoid it.

I hope my experiences enlighten you on a scary truth.