Hated Goodbye of a Loved One

“Distance - it is a test of love. Many will fail, but for those who withstand it have the answer: true love.” I personally experience the multitude of tests which a long distance relationship comes with. On Sunday, July 15, 2012, my boyfriend Frederik Teßmann returned to his home country of Germany after a year studying abroad in America. Throughout his time here, Freddy and I became very close as our relationship grew from friends, to best friends, to an unexpected romance. Our bond strengthened each day and eventually became one of pure love, which made saying goodbye to Freddy a near impossible task. Living in extreme distance from the person I love the most is heartbreaking. Learning how to deal with the immediate and long term loss of Freddy has been very challenging and has introduced me to a roller coaster of erratic and unfamiliar emotions.

The day before Freddy departed for Germany, his host family and my family celebrated his time in America with a supper at Champps Americana. A planned joyful event turned out to be more bittersweet for Freddy and me. We sat next to each other knowing we were partaking in the last meal we could share together, and in twenty-four hours he would be flying over the Atlantic Ocean. I desired the power to stop the clock. I wanted to be able to keep Freddy in America forever; however, his return was unpreventable and completely out of my control. We were forced to return to his “American” home and pack away his time in Cascade.

Freddy and I packed his multiple suitcases with all of the items he brought over to America the previous year as well as the treasures he acquired during his year abroad. At first we enjoyed sifting through his trinkets, reminiscing about each and every one - the letters I wrote him, his translation dictionary, a boutonnière from prom which matched my corsage. Yet the time soon came when we slowly zipped his suitcase closed for the final time. The symbolism in sealing up his life in America hit us both and we became overwhelmed. We sat down together on the carpeted floor of his bedroom and his arms held me tightly against his warm, comforting chest, which inundated my entire body with the smell of his cool, husky, Bleu de Chanel cologne. We were surrounded by his oversized suitcases and we looked around the empty, soon-to-be abandoned room. The only sounds made were those of our helpless cries and the occasional sniffle of the nose; I could taste the saltiness of my tears and his as well in my mouth. The sense of “goodbye” engulfed us entirely, and we stayed wrapped up with each other through the night. I knew I was about to face the hardest, most memorable day of my young life.

Freddy and I had mutually decided to say our final farewell at my house. We both knew the airport would not be the best place to see each other for the last time. After staying awake as long as possible in order to take advantage of every last second together and to stay in denial of what was about to come, we were forced to face the day with the undefeatable sound of my alarm clock. Freddy’s flight was scheduled to depart at 10:00 a.m., which required him to arrive at the airport by 9:00 a.m. Saying goodbye to the person I had shared my most momentous experiences with was the most difficult moment of my entire life.

I stood on the step going into my home, and his lips touched mine for the final time as he kissed me - the same place where we said “goodnight” every night of our relationship. Our faces were already covered in tears and I could taste them on my lips. I felt his heart pumping against mine as his strong arms locked my chest to his. We stood embraced for too short of a time before we realized he had to go. Freddy and I unwillingly attempted to say “goodbye;” however, each time we failed and could not let go of the other. Finally, we said, “I love you,” and instead of saying “goodbye,” we said, “As soon as possible.” We gave each other one last, long hug, looked into each others’ teary eyes, and his hand slipped away from mine for the final time. I could feel the electricity raging through every last finger touched by his. He started to walk away across my front lawn to a place his heart and every bone in his body resisted to go. Freddy turned to look at me one last time, smiled at me in a way which gave even my torn heart butterflies, and I closed the door with the picture of his smile frozen in my mind.

Living without Freddy is more complicated than either of us ever imagined. Sometimes, I feel like I cannot breathe, and I become completely overwhelmed with the five thousand miles which separate us. Each day is a continual struggle filled with an uncountable number of tears, Skype® calls, and messages sharing the stories of our unforgettable past and our ambitious dreams for the future. The final moments Freddy and I spent together helped me accept the distance between us and taught me how to deal with all of the emotions the loss of someone important to me brings.