It never really mattered to us when we were young tossing the ball in the street across our houses with the voice of military airplanes just above our heads !….was not that big deal when we heard the bombs crashing down in Beirut’s suburbs …..I remember our giggles and laughs as we ran back home our hearts throbbing in our chests ….it was fun as I recall it was just childhood with some adventure I guess ….but things change …

It is not that amusing now …..especially when you sit back in your room with all your beloved there about half an inch from death with guns and weapons in their hands bullets flying around them ! and all you can do is kneel and pray …..it does not matter what you byhearted of religious books what matters or maybe what I remember are those words that came out barely decipherable but still so true that tears ran down my cheeks when I had a flash of thought that maybe this time it will not be a foreign, it will not be a friend of dad’s whom I never knew …..it may be a cousin an aunt’ it may be a brother ,a father!!
I never had a shortage of such stories … but no matter how my grandmother can be an expert story teller it is still way different to be the story . she told me about jails about Lebanese people executed going hungry dyeing hungry . About children who lost their parents not by any death but with necks torn with knifes as simply as that ! it had always made and shake shiver with insecurity , it had made on the verge of crying but never did I really understood how is it like to be there with blood all over your place with hauls filling your ears and mouths clenched unable to spell a mere prayer.
It never occurred to me to wonder of what religion those people were or which politic figure they are likely to follow …all I thought about was just the pain the screaming the blood the WAR . definitely I was a child I didn’t give a damn about what political causes made someone kill a child or even crash down a house !I didn’t give it a thought that such a war will make the economy of our country as worst as it can be ….i just wondered what will I do If I was there , what could I do if it was my house gone to ruins if they were my beloved lying dead …what will I do ?! sit there and sob for the rest of my life ..run for it or stare and get it printed in my hollow , as if a shadow since then !! It never occurred to me and that is I am sure of that they were thinking at that time which politician they will follow…they were I guess lost in their loss ! And that it what I always feared ; loss ! That is what I always wanted to avoid but was really waiting for my turn’ getting myself ready even though it is definitely impossible to be so ! But the question that stings in my throat is that do we have to wait our turn to die!!?? do we have to be standing in the queue of death whenever we are born on this land!!!

Now I am 16 years old ! Well yes I have took history classes read the numbers with infinite zeros aside referring to the numbers of victims ! Read poems and verses about how much do we love our country …I pictured how JOBRAN wanted our Lebanon to be ! but … most hilarious I have studied about being civilized I have studied about humans rights and humanity but those pupils looked around and saw nothing but hemorrhages everywhere ….I saw people getting kidnapped children homeless and desperate . I saw the violations of every law I studied in those damn books and was told to obey !!
And few years later I will be older and as years will pass by things will change too !but will it change as I want it to ; for the better . will the fights cancel the exams of my college as they always do !? will the whole university come down on our heads bricks and stones and get blown by the wind with 1 bomb !? just like what happened today … will I be a victim ! will I !
You may not know or care but people died and bodies were shredded to pieces ….u may not give it a thought but that black cloud blackened my heart our hearts ….you may not think about it like so , but I opened my eyes to this world asking my parents when will the war begin ….
And I am sitting here in my room typing these words and I don’t know whether this will be the last thing I write …or if I will be writing the whole same idea 3 or 4 years after !!
If I will at a time be who I want to be..or all these images for my future are nothing in a queue of loss I am standing in …and who knows it may be at anytime my turn to lose ….but god please bless my country bless my beloved people and all the innocent…bless our dreams because they build our world where there are no bombs shaking our peace every now and then …..!!