Surprising Myself

By
Guys. You know how much simpler High school would be without them? No matter how many times you don’t think about them, they are always there.

My friend was having issues with the creatures. Lucy was her name. Ever since Junior High, she has always been paired off with Mason. They would like each other on and off, but nothing would get farther than standing awkwardly standing next to each other, saying absolutely nothing. Then High School came. That kid got right down scary about their elementary crushing. Date after date and text after text, telling her he liked her and wanted to stop being so vague about their relationship. Lucy was overwhelmed. She never asked for more than someone to be there for her and now he had taken the path toward insanity. She didn't know what to say to him or what to think. So naturally, she sought for advice from the most inexperience person she knew. Me.

I have never had an actual boyfriend. I've had “flings” before, but nothing lasted more than a month. I liked to think I was an expert, but I knew I wasn't. My mind was as complicated as a bowl of soup. Simple, until you start asking what’s in it. No guy lasted long enough to really get to the complicated part of Charlie, and I never really wanted to share my bowl of soup anyway.

It was so crazy how I knew just what to say when Lucy showed up on my porch on a Saturday night, looking frightened with those big brown eyes of hers clouded with the teenage mind, (more deadly than a world war, mind you) and asked, “I don’t know anything, I don’t know what to do about Mason! What do I do Charlie?”

It’s not a dramatization. I don’t think society realizes how difficult the process of deciding whether or not you like a guy is. Here, think about this. You’re about to buy your dream car. The night before you’re supposed to hand over the cash for it, you toss and turn thinking about all the unanswered questions. Will it last a long time? Will it take more time and money than it’s worth? Will it protect me when I make a bad decision on the road? Will it damage my credit or leave me penniless? It’s not particularly close to it, but it’s about as close as you’re going to get. Moving on.

I thought about it for a moment as Lucy paced in the grass, leaving a trail behind with her heavy footsteps filled with so much thought it could crush a person. Then, I opened my mouth and words just…fell.

“I have this theory that you cannot think of a person, not even get close to having feelings for them, until they say something. You can change feelings within milliseconds they tell you. But, it could go two ways. First, every time you think or hear his name your heart jumps. Not those “I’m on a scary roller coaster,” jumps but a real jump that’s almost painful, and lasts much longer than a roller coaster. Everything around you changes. You don’t think about the future or the past, just right then. You think of his eyes, how in the right light you can see his whole mind, see every fleck of gold, and count every eyelash that frames them. You think about every piece of hair on his head, and how he combs and styles it just to impress you. You think about that certain smile he smile when you walk around the corner into his view, or how his face brightens when you say hi. You think about his laugh that echoes in your mind, realizing all the good memories you share. You think about every moment together, and you realize you should’ve been together a long time ago. You think how you could be with him in a matter of words. And no matter how hard you think, nothing is better than that. OR, when you read or hear the words expressing feelings that you don’t have, you can’t help but frown. You feel worried and sick when you think you have to answer or you even think about saying yes, to spare his pride. You think of what would happen if you let him have his way and you can’t. You have to close your eyes to stop watching everything fall apart. You discover the only reason you would agree, is because everyone else thinks you should. Every time you pick up something that reminds you of him, you drop it instantly and walk away. You leave it behind, and you feel relieved. That’s when you know, that’s when you know what to do…that’s when you know how you feel.”

I don’t know what Lucy said after that. She left, and I didn't notice. Sometimes I think I should talk to myself more often, because suddenly I thought of his brown eyes. There aren't any gold flecks, but something like gold dust is there. His laugh every time I laugh, and realize that I’m laughing with him not just next to him. How every time I’m with him, I don’t feel anything else. And that last magical moment I had, was when I realized I was experienced enough to surprise myself and discover something that could make my life turn upside down. He was with someone, and I wasn't. I had to wait, and I’m not patient. Now I won’t have a peaceful moment for a while. If only High School didn't have guys.





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