I remember all the things they used to say to me. I remember the mean looks they would give me. How they would always laugh at me, stick their noses up at me. But, a couple of years later, that all changed. They weren't a group anymore. They didn't treat me the way they would treat me. They didn't isolate me. They didn't even give me another stare. Instead, it became me. I was the one who began to be part of the group that tormented them. Made then feel worthless. Their old leader would always go in the another direction to avoid looking at me. The girl who she used to put down, now making her feel that way. Whenever I was alone, I avoided them. I didn't want to be like them, but it happened. I would just stand there, while my friends would make comments about them that I couldn't even think of saying. I would quickly walk away whenever one of their boyfriends gave me a look over their shoulders. Even though I didn't say anything to them. Whenever I go in the bathroom, I hear one of them crying their hearts out and I feel guilty every time I walk out, as if I didn't hear anything. I look at the new me and remember the new me. I look at the old them and the new them. I see no difference between the new me and the old them. I always used to tell myself "You'll never become one of them. You'll never be as shallow, or as cruel as one of them." But, I was wrong. I'm not mean to everyone, but I'm just as cruel to them as they were cruel to me. I don't say anything to them, I pretend they're not even there. I may not use to the indirect approach they used, but I'm still just of a bully as they are. Whenever I think about this, my mind always tells me "They deserve it. They used to treat you like you were worthless. Treat them the same way." I eventually stop thinking about it, but it always comes back to me. I'm constantly reminded of how I've become one of them.
One of them.
October 23, 2012