October 16, 2012
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I’m lost.
I just love.
Maybe I should give up on this.
What’s in it for me?
How much do I care?
Is that what I’m worried about?
Personal gain?
Whatever he wants, I’ll do it.
(Some reasonable limits may apply.)
If he wants me to leave him completely alone,
or be his friend,
or be his girlfriend,

I’ll do whatever - I really will - I just want to find out what he’s about, what makes him tick, maybe a little bit about what it feels like to kiss him. It’s a whole big world out there and I’d love to share it with him. Is that what I mean by love? I got me a fearless heart - strong enough to get us through the scary part. It’s been broken many (okay, a couple) times before, but a fearless heart just comes back for more. He can have this heart to break if that’s what he wants to do with it. I would choose to be with him, but that’s if the choice were mine to make, and it isn’t. I just love. And I worry. And I am. I don’t need much from him, only that he is there. I don’t know if we could make it work, but it would kill me if we didn’t even try. One of the most special music makers I have ever had the privilege of singing with. I miss his smile and his eyes and the self-confident way he walks and I miss holding his hand when he danced and I miss the scent of his sweatshirt. I miss his handsome voice and how he’s always riding Corbett around the choir room and I miss his delighted dorky laugh when Mr. Stear says anything in a pop voice. I miss his handsome face, looking so tender and sensitive when he sings, even if he’s singing something completely ridiculous and not something tender or sensitive at all. I miss his shoulders looking so impressive and I miss the funny way he pulls at his hair and how he sings ridiculous country songs by snippets as he walks. I miss him and I don’t know if I’m even justified in it, but my days are so incredibly flat without him and just the thought of what he’s going through wrenches my heart. Whether or not he would appreciate how I feel I don’t know but my poor heart is feeling it anyway and I miss him.

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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Helena.of.Karatha This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 24, 2012 at 7:47 pm
To be 100% honest, Brita, I'm not sure this was ready for publication to the outside world. I can tell it's a very emotional piece, but it confuses me how you sometimes use complete sentences and sometimes don't, and sometimes say things everyone can relate to and sometimes bring up things only a few people know about. And the beginning seems to be verse and then the rest is prose and . . . I'm confused. I do not want to in any way invalidate what you were feeling at the time bec... (more »)
BeilaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 19, 2015 at 5:51 am
Interesting comment. I was just about to say to the author: you hit the nail on the head. Missing people you maybe don't have the right to miss? It's messy, to say the least. That kind of emotion, no, it's not ready for publication to the outside world, and yes, it leaves you hopelessly and utterly confused. Sometimes, you feel it in complete sentences, and sometimes, there's nothing left but fragments, shards of broken stained glass art. My favorite sentence was about his handsome voice and dor... (more »)
BeilaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 19, 2015 at 5:53 am
By the way, I would be totally honored if you read "In Memory," a piece I wrote from a very different perspective but emotionally very similar. I'd love to know what you think!
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