Starphoenix

By , ogden, UT
This is Jordan. I love him. I have for two years and three months. He is such an important person in my life. He is the love of my life. The first love I have ever had. I remember seeing him three years ago, a transfer student to the art school I was attending at the moment. Every girl fell for him, but he never said a word to any of them. I watched him from across the hall. Every morning as we all waited for the first school bell to ring, he sat on this bench. He had a purple jacket he wore every day. The hood never came off of his head, and his earphones never left his ears. I would imagine all the musicians and bands he could be listening to. I begged for a chance to get to talk to him. But him being the most beautiful boy I had ever seen, my fifteen year old self was scared. That was the first time I was too scared to ever talk to a guy. After a month, I left that school and transferred into a prep academy. Feeling hopeless..I thought I would never see him again. I continued to date other guys that my friends set me up with, but Jordan never left my mind. No guy was as beautiful as he was. I was never satisfied.

That summer, I just turned sixteen. Still never having a boyfriend because I never really thought I could commit to one guy. No guy seemed worth that much of my time. I was sitting on facebook with my best friend one day late in June. We were going through friends of ours friends list. We added the cute guys onto my account..that’s when my heart stopped. I starred at this boys picture, trying to figure out why he was so familiar. Tan skin, big lips, handsome brown eyes and hair a little below his shoulders. I screamed like an idiot in realization that it was Jordan. I sent that request and waited. That night it was accepted. The next day we got invited to go and watch a band play. The guy who invited us was a little weird..I went to school with his younger brothers who were my age and my friend thought his brothers were cute, so we had to go. There were six of us sitting the garage as the guys set up to play. We were the only girls there so we got a lot of attention. I heard a car door shut and looked out to see him...Jordan walking over to us. He stood there and I tried not to watch. But I did. The confidence he possessed was..was pulling me in. I watched him smile and laugh with one of the brothers, something I never saw him do when he sat on that bench. He was always so serious. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. He was so interesting. That’s when he finally turned his head to scope the room and he stopped. He stopped and smiled at me.

After that he messaged me. We talked about small things, but it was what I wanted so badly at the beginning of that school year. I finally got it. A week or two after watching the band play, I posted a status asking people to text me and keep me awake. I didn’t want to sleep. I hated sleep when I was younger. Jordan commented on it. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. I remember sitting in the living room in the basement of my parents house. All the lights were off. I laid on my back and held my phone over my head, cautiously reading every long text from him. I read those messages like my life depended on it..we talked about everything. About our past, our broken families, wants for the future. It was so easy telling him about myself. I told him things that no other male knew about me. That majority of my friends didn’t even know. He did the same. He said at the end of our conversation (around four a.m.) that he hasn’t opened up to anyone like that in a long time..and told me good night. I didn’t go to sleep after that. I couldn’t.

We continued to talk every day after that. He came over sometimes too, but never alone. He always brought a friend, and I had a girl friend come over as well. I remember the first time he came to my house. We sat in the basement and everyone picked a spot of the couches around the room. Jordan didn’t. He stood there, quietly, waiting for me to finish putting the movie on and pick my spot. I knew what he was doing. He wanted to sit next to me. So I took my seat on a couch for two people and he sat next to me. We didn’t cuddle, we didn’t even hold hands..our knees touched. It felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest, but I kept a calm exterior.

We began hanging out almost every day. We couldn’t get enough of each other. He never held my hand, or even hugged me. He kept his distance. He was respectful, even though I wanted him to just touch me. I wanted my heart to race again because of the fact this beautiful boy liked me. He liked me. I remember the day, July 21st. I even remember what I wore, a light green sundress. He of course wore his grey jeans and a nice white button up shirt. We went to a park I had never been to, but he remembered me mention I love parks. They make me feel safe, like I am apart from the whole world and in my own. A beautiful place that nobody can ruin. We sat in a secluded area on a table. Ducks ran around us and we sat there..in silence. “I like you, Hannah.” that was what confirmed it. We never said anything like that before. “So, would you want to be my girlfriend?” I had the biggest, stupidest smile and said yes. We got up and kept walking around the park. There was a walk way between the trees and a river on both sides of us. We kept our distance still. He made me laugh and smile. We got to a bridge and we sat down, resting on the rails that kept people from falling into the rivers creek. We sat there for what felt like forever and just talked. That’s what felt like our thing. We could talk for hours and about anything in the world and it was okay. It was okay for me to be..well me. Not feeling like I was being judge or have to worry about turning a him down because he just wanted sex. I starred into his deep, almost black eyes as he told me about his family.

It started getting late and we got up and started walking back, but he stopped. I looked at him. Jordan grabbed my hands. His were soft, not like normal boys pair hands, and warm. He had lots of big veins running through them. I looked back up at him and that’s when I felt his warm lips against mine. They tasted better than I imagined. I kissed him back, but I forgot to breath. I pulled away gasping for air. He smiled and walked us back to the entrance of the park. Best day of my life.

After that we couldn’t stand to be apart, so I asked him to sneak out with me. Well sneak me out. He was eighteen and lived with his best friend and his best friend’s dad. Jordan still didn’t have a car. That was the only thing that kept us from doing it. Until, of course, he said to stay up for him. He live an hour away. He got to my window and knocked on it gently. I had fallen alseep. He knocked again and I jumped up, feeling like an idiot. He starred at me on the other side of that glass. I opened the window and climb out. We ran across the front yard, the moon starred down at us. It felt perfect. We got into a gold saturn and he started the engine. He stole the car from the man that he lived with. He risked getting in trouble for me. We drove around town for a while till I told him where I wanted to go. Down town. There was a parking garage that made you feel like you were on top of the world, like you were so close to the moon and stars you could catch them in your hands. We named that spot “Our top of the world.” He suggest that we hop into the back seat. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but that’s the excitement. I certainly didn’t think what happened next would even be an option. He sat on the back passengers side. Jordan smiled, grabbed my face with his hands and kissed me. Kissed me passionately. I had never felt such happiness from a kiss. He pulled me on top of him and we continued to kiss. He felt my body, but in a tenderly way. Like I could break if he pressed too hard. “Do you love me?” he asked. “What?” “I told you I won’t be intimate with someone unless we love each other. Do you love me?” I got nervous. I had never been intimate with a guy before. I had never even been completely naked before with a guy. “Yes.” “Say it.” “I love you.” “I love you too.” We had talked about that he might love me weeks ago, but he never actually used the word love. He said very strong feels..more than liking. But this was it. All I had wanted. I pictured him sitting on the bench, with his eyes closed and listening to his music. A song came onto the stereo. It was one by The Used. Smother me. We began undressing each other. He held me so close. I lost my virginity that night.

We are both very passionate people. Very emotional. Don’t get me wrong, we fought a lot beginning in our third month as a couple. We broke up for two months. Worst two months of our lives. It seemed impossible. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I hated when I saw people who knew him and I because they would want to talk about the break up. I wanted to just crawl under a rock and lay there for the rest of my life. I’d never experienced love before and I never thought I would experience such heart break at sixteen years old. The thing though..Jordan came back to me. We got back together and it was the best feeling ever having him hold me against him. I cried and begged him to never let me go again. He whispered “More than always, and Longer than Forever.” in my ear and that’s when I realized I didn’t want to live without this boy. I needed him more than I ever have anyone else. We broke up several other times, but we always found our way back to each other. That’s when we openly admitted that we couldn’t be apart. We were meant for each other. We were soul mates. We were going to love each other more than always and be with each other longer than forever. Jordan promised me that the day we both are dead he will search for me in the after life. He won’t give up till we are together again.

Yesterday night we slow danced in our living room to our song (kissing in cars by pierce the veil) and he sang to me. I cried. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such a fairy tale romance. We may fight, I may get crazy or annoying, and he might be rude or sarcastic..but we know that we love each other more than anything. When we lay next to each other at night, I know he is right there. His strong arms are holding me and I feel so safe. I feel like the rest of the world isn’t really there. I never thought back when I was fifteen and saw that seventeen year old boy who looked so lost would love me.

More than Always, Longer than Forever ((7.21.10))





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